Can We Sustain This?

There is much talk about environmental sustainability--and "Eating Sustainably" has almost become a religion. But have we considered what it takes to build sustainable families?

I have had some wonderful neighbors over the years, including one whom I shall call "Carol." Carol is about ten years older than I, and her life experiences helped inform mine. Carol showed me what it meant to be a good neighbor and a good friend--and a good mother.

Carol's sister, "Cathy," had four sons roughly the same age as Carol's children. Whereas my neighbor,  a college graduate, had chosen to make hers a home where she mothered and taught her children, Cathy had a career outside her home. While she and her husband both worked, Cathy's aging parents were at home with Cathy's boys. The last was born after his brothers were all in school, and Cathy's mother grumbled that she "didn't bargain for this!" Consider it--the decision so profoundly impacted her, it was an affront for them not to have consulted her! What a sad response for a Grandma!

As might be guessed from the title of this post, I am not trying to explore the morality of this pattern. Of course I believe it is better for children to be cared for by responsible and loving family members. This is not a rant about convenience, either--few worthwhile things happen accidentally or are truly convenient--my question about this pattern regards sustainability across generations.

Carol's and Cathy's mother belonged to a generation that was moving into the workforce, yet she chose to remain at home, raising her children and supporting her husband in his taxing career. She had many skills that I saw translated into Carol's parenting, though I know Carol learned even more along the way. Cathy's children were parented by these same good parents, while Cathy invested in other pursuits. And she was sure her children were "all right" at home with her mom and dad.

But what about Cathy's grandchildren? Who will parent them?

Cathy's boys had lessons and vacations and electronics and even family caregivers, but are they prepared to offer the most important things they will need to give their children and grandchildren? Putting aside other issues and challenges even I observed them facing, Cathy's children didn't see full-time parenting modeled by their parents; and Cathy's own parenting experience is now limited--her parents were the ones who juggled schedules, washed laundry, and cared for their grandchildren when they got sick! Cathy's kids may think that, since they "turned out," they can repeat the pattern--but the new generation's Grandma is Cathy, and she has neither the skills nor the inclination to help.

Of course there are varied situations that might be considered exceptions to the norm, and in these we do the best we can; but in homes with two healthy parents, what is our society's norm--and is it sustainable? Generally speaking, the life lessons learned during parenting are ideally experienced when we have the energy to tackle and incorporate them--when we are young and excited about doing things with our children to make the world a better place.

Photos from Today's Parent, Nashville Family Law, and onmanorama.com.