Can We Sustain This?

There is much talk about environmental sustainability--and "Eating Sustainably" has almost become a religion. But have we considered what it takes to build sustainable families?

I have had some wonderful neighbors over the years, including one whom I shall call "Carol." Carol is about ten years older than I, and her life experiences helped inform mine. Carol showed me what it meant to be a good neighbor and a good friend--and a good mother.

Carol's sister, "Cathy," had four sons roughly the same age as Carol's children. Whereas my neighbor,  a college graduate, had chosen to make hers a home where she mothered and taught her children, Cathy had a career outside her home. While she and her husband both worked, Cathy's aging parents were at home with Cathy's boys. The last was born after his brothers were all in school, and Cathy's mother grumbled that she "didn't bargain for this!" Consider it--the decision so profoundly impacted her, it was an affront for them not to have consulted her! What a sad response for a Grandma!

As might be guessed from the title of this post, I am not trying to explore the morality of this pattern. Of course I believe it is better for children to be cared for by responsible and loving family members. This is not a rant about convenience, either--few worthwhile things happen accidentally or are truly convenient--my question about this pattern regards sustainability across generations.

Carol's and Cathy's mother belonged to a generation that was moving into the workforce, yet she chose to remain at home, raising her children and supporting her husband in his taxing career. She had many skills that I saw translated into Carol's parenting, though I know Carol learned even more along the way. Cathy's children were parented by these same good parents, while Cathy invested in other pursuits. And she was sure her children were "all right" at home with her mom and dad.

But what about Cathy's grandchildren? Who will parent them?

Cathy's boys had lessons and vacations and electronics and even family caregivers, but are they prepared to offer the most important things they will need to give their children and grandchildren? Putting aside other issues and challenges even I observed them facing, Cathy's children didn't see full-time parenting modeled by their parents; and Cathy's own parenting experience is now limited--her parents were the ones who juggled schedules, washed laundry, and cared for their grandchildren when they got sick! Cathy's kids may think that, since they "turned out," they can repeat the pattern--but the new generation's Grandma is Cathy, and she has neither the skills nor the inclination to help.

Of course there are varied situations that might be considered exceptions to the norm, and in these we do the best we can; but in homes with two healthy parents, what is our society's norm--and is it sustainable? Generally speaking, the life lessons learned during parenting are ideally experienced when we have the energy to tackle and incorporate them--when we are young and excited about doing things with our children to make the world a better place.

Photos from Today's Parent, Nashville Family Law, and onmanorama.com.

Something Better

It was the summer of 1998 and we were all waiting at the baggage claim. My mother had arrived for a visit; she had shared her flight with the support crew (and one of the stars) of the Brooks & Dunn duo. Mom had been seated beside a cheerful fellow who had taught her some magic tricks that she was eager to show us: his regular job was to sell CDs at the concerts and he had been on the road with the group for months.

I have some very vivid memories of those moments: it seemed like the wait was very long and that my family was somehow on display, drawing the surprisingly small crowd of waiters-around like honey and light. My three children were darling and this was one of those times where I could see that the antics and enthusiasm of my excited five-year-old son and sweet four-year-old daughter were admired and appreciated; our curly-haired, crawling baby boy, silently guarded by my husband, was simply the cutest ever. I was expecting my fourth child and was obviously filling out maternity clothes, yet I felt beautiful and happy, as if I were filled with joy and warm radiance.

And then the men began to talk. They clearly yearned for what we had. I was stunned to hear one mourn that he was going back to a broken home: his wife had filed for divorce while he had been on tour, and he was hoping to salvage his family. Others alluded to similar woes.

I glanced a few times at that tall, booted superstar, hanging back and watching the scene from around the edge of baggage claim. I recalled the winter I was sixteen, the year I had asked for a tabloid newspaper for Christmas: I had repeatedly combed through it, finding only evidence of ruined lives in the wake of superstar status--their divorces and arrests--there was even a page chronicling the suicides and drug overdoses of the children of those unfortunate, mixed-up people! That tattered paper became a pillar in my choice to choose family over fame, but I had not considered that there would be such a high cost to those Nameless Ones who even traveled with the band: the star seemed hardened, steeled against the pain that inevitably comes with the life he had chosen; those other men probably hadn't realized the cost this stint would be to their happiness.

It's no wonder famous folk have broken lives, that they are living messes: whether moral and emotional impoverishment leads to seeking fame or results from it, a casual observer of the rich should naturally wonder whether--and how--any superstars are whole. Happy marriages and successful parenting take lots and lots of time--at inconvenient times, if you are onstage when most people are looking for a night out. Normal dinnertimes and healthy bedtimes and productive morning routines are not very negotiable, and those are Shifts when Mother is needed most.


For it is Mom's job to "Be At the Crossroads." This means Mom doesn't have higher priorities, that she can be relaxed and focused on her family whenever "Quality Time" happens. "Mom" means you are the official "Crossroads Be-er," the "Time Giver," the "Home Maker," wherever you are.

It also means you give your best--and that you become your best. I have often said that my children deserve a World Class Mother, which is more important than a World Famous Anything Else. I am not perfect yet, but I can put all my talents to work at becoming the person they deserve, the person each needs to do his own life's work.

This is Something Better.

No Likes? Check You Out on Facebook

My husband and I recently had dinner out with friends. One man, who had been interviewing potential employees all week, had something on his mind.

His company had openings for salesmen and a Marketing Manager--hot jobs that start at 60k--and he was finding slim pickings, despite the fact that the community hosts two large universities.

There were dozens of applicants, all right: the man was wading through literally scores of resumes. Before contacting anyone, however, he checked them out on Facebook. And clicked away.

One fellow looked very promising--until the man found a picture of him taking a Selfie during his own valedictory speech. Click.

Another guy had great photos of his mission--and a skiing photo of himself that looked like a beer commercial. Click.

Blue hair might win big bucks in a My Little Pony Lookalikes Giveaway; the man was looking for someone respectable to represent his company to clients. Click.

To what kind of married man her dad's age would these Kissy-face Selfies appeal--and would she really want him to hire her? Click.

I listened as the man gave example after example of things people had posted online, all of which marketed them as narcissistic--or just plain lacking in judgment. "No thank you!" he said with a Click--and they may never know why. Fewer than a handful even got called in to interview.

Talk about it. You had better believe that we discussed this with our children! They said school teachers had warned students, but sometimes a picture is worth a thousand unsuitable words; there are even legal cases where people have lost over less. A random perusal of just about anyone's Wall will provide great examples for discussion--for good or bad.

What's wrong with this picture? Take personal responsibility to look and act. What is on your Facebook page? Who are your "Friends?" My youngest son and I, recently going through a Cub Scout Cyber Safety exercise, went through my photo list of Facebook Friends and considered how I was keeping our family's rules. It was good to learn about internet safety and then evaluate my own actions with the help of another person, one with a different perspective. While nothing online ever goes away, we do have some power to block unwanted photos. We can also avoid situations where something ridiculous or inappropriate-looking could even happen, let alone be photographed.

Follow up. A person's online presence must be managed. Periodic, objective evaluations of what is shown and said about us online is important, especially when we are seeking work.

You have already heard this? Believe it.

Formally in Love

When my daughter returned from college over Spring Break, we spoke about her observations on dating and marriage relationships. She noted that some of her ideas about the Ideal Marriage have been changing over time. Specifically, I was interested when she said that she has considered her Dad's and my relationship as...well...as business.

Frankly, I thought that was an odd perception; I would certainly never have considered characterizing our relationship that way! After she left, I asked about it. She wrote, in part:

What I mean is that you and Dad are very formal. How we do things in our family is just in general pretty formal. The way that you and Dad talk about dating and finding a spouse is very business-like....I guess I thought...you dated, you thought you were good people, so you got married. 

Now, that is not how I would have described what happened!

We do tell our children to engage their brains before they give their hearts enough to even hold hands: I expect each one to use his head and deliberately limit the pool of potential dating partners by looking only in the group of worthy candidates for the few with whom he could fall in love. I don't expect my daughters to indiscriminately pick someone to love and marry and then realize, "Whoopsie! My Sweetheart has no skills and no drive to support our family--and he is abusive and has some expensive and disruptive addictions! Dang. Oh well!"

Form is a good thing. I don't apologize for being "formal," which is not synonymous with being "impersonal"--- and it doesn't imply "being real only in appearance."

If something is formal, it conforms to a regular pattern, well enough that the pattern is evident. It has structure, so there are reasonable expectations and harmony. It is deliberate, methodical in its making. It is is something organized, created, or caused to exist. It has to do with order, which is synonymous with God's power.

As a Homemaker, I take this as a compliment.

Marriage, by its very nature, is formal. It marks the deliberate act of forming a family that is recognized by the state, the Church, and the individuals directly involved. It has legal and moral obligations and consequences, many of which extend beyond the participants' deaths.

One of the main functions of God's priesthood is to organize families after God's pattern. Does that mean there is not room for feeling? Believe me, my husband moves the deepest feelings of my heart--and that is how I knew that he was The One. I could instantly see and feel that the other things were in line, and part of what stirred (and still moves me) was a desire not to ever lose him. The fact is that we can be "in love" with anyone that we allow to get close to us, and research shows it: there are 36 questions that are designed to help even strangers share enough to love one another and be willing to marry, but that is Dangerous, unless you are both whole and ready to accept the responsibility and unless you are both worthy and prepared in other ways. Forming a family to raise up to God implies, well, form. It also carries with it the chance for success--and failure. Being organized under the priesthood is a good thing. Letting a family "be whatever it wants" takes the meaning right out of the words and the relationships. 

No, I am not offended if anyone thinks our family is more "formal" than others, though I am saddened and even dismayed by the disruptions of our times. I hope and pray that my children will not be permissive parents, that they and their spouses will be thoughtful and deliberate as they form families. I hope that work and diligence will be a prominent feature of their relationships and a hallmark of what they create together. Naturally, I hope they will have fun and laugh together, but fun is not the best basis for a lasting relationship. Eventually (and much sooner than later), verbal fireworks get boring--and peaceable harmony and working together in love becomes deeply exciting and motivating.

Personal Revelation from Scripture Study

When the Learner is ready, the Teacher appears. 

As a parent, I have tired myself repeating teachings that seem never to be really heard---and later been flabbergasted to hear my child rejoice to "figure it out" on his own, or with the help of another teacher! 

This leads to several conclusions, including the awareness that people must learn things for themselves, though we rarely figure them out by ourselves: the reality is that teachers have been there all along, trying to share needed messages; we internalize lessons when we are ready and we offer those messages to others both to prepare them to become ready and to be the messenger if they happen to be ready to learn something in that moment.

This applies to scripture reading and to spiritual maturity, too: the Holy Ghost is the best Teacher of all. He is ready to help us learn, but we learn best when the answers He would give address the questions we are asking. 

Are we asking?

Several months ago I attended a presentation given by Sylvia Allan, a retired elementary school principal from Lindon. Sylvia shared many life experiences to demonstrate ways a scripture study program, learned in a fireside years before, had changed the course of her life, helping her to better get answers to her questions and help her face and overcome her challenges. I have tried following the principles she outlined, and know from experience that it is effective.

Orem Stake President and researcher Vern Sommerfeldt presented the original fireside, sharing patterns he had learned from his study of the scriptures and the counsel of prophets. Sylvia said that she almost did not attend---and that she at first heard President Sommerfeldt's suggestions with skepticism. An abandoned single mother trying to provide, raise four young sons (one with radical disabilities), and get an education, if anyone had Lack of Time as an excuse, she did! Hearing about her experiences showed my feeble excuses for the sham they are; the miracles she shared from her challenging life offered hope that God would do the same for me in mine. 

And He has.

In 1979, Howard W. Hunter counseled: 

"It is certain that one who studies the scriptures every day accomplishes far more than one who devotes considerable time one day and then lets days go by before continuing. Not only should we study each day, but there should be a regular time set aside when we can concentrate without interference....It would be ideal if an hour could be spent each day; but if that much cannot be had, a half hour on a regular basis would result in substantial accomplishment. A quarter of an hour is little time, but it is surprising how much enlightenment and knowledge can be acquired....The important thing is to allow nothing else to ever interfere with our study....We should not be haphazard in our reading, but rather develop a systematic plan for study....It is better to have a set amount of time to give scriptural study each day than to have a set amount of chapters to read. Sometimes we find that the study of a single verse will occupy the whole time."

This quote shares several important principles about Time, with regard to scripture study: 

Make a daily appointment with God and keep it. 

Study scriptures at the same time each day. 

Study for a set amount of time each day, using a systematic plan. 

Ask; Seek; Knock. Again, from President Hunter: "There is nothing more helpful than prayer to open our understanding of the scriptures. Through prayer we can attune our minds to seek the answers to our searchings." The Five-Element Strategy starts and ends with prayer, though we will classify these prayers more specifically. Remember that these are not really "steps" to be done in order: we can do any part multiple times along the way. The important thing is that we are reverent in our worship and in seeking personal revelation from God, and that we include all of the elements in our quest. Sylvia mentioned that people will sometimes complain to her that "it is not working"---and it invariably comes out that they are neglecting one or more of the essential elements. 

1. Ask. Ask God a specific question in prayer. Kneel down and pray out loud. Asking "with real intent" implies that you intend to act on the answer you receive. When I kneel down and pray aloud, it focuses my thoughts and demonstrates that I am already acting on the question I ask, making me already accountable to myself and to God. Answers come, too---and not just to doctrinal questions.

2. Study. When I simply "read the scriptures," I get a lot of what I have called Asteroid Belt Thinking: There is a Lot of Nothing, moving around fast, and getting nowhere! Study is different: it is a big part of Seeking. It is focused reading on a topic in a place where one is likely to find---or is directed to look for---the answers to the questions he asks. The Index and Biblical Topical Guide often are the first places I start my search---and the Spirit helps me know which references to read in my quest for answers. Webster's original dictionary (1828) often casts new light on topics and General Conference talks also help me understand God's truths, though this is primarily a time designated for scripture study. 

3. Ponder. President Hunter gives many examples of this in his talk, saying, "The reading time" of a scripture may be "short and uncomplicated....But as we spend time in thought and contemplation, a great depth of understanding and meaning comes to us." This pondering can extend on into the day, widening our awareness as the Spirit guides us to apply principles from the scriptures in our lives. Sylvia encouraged us to "listen to the way your mind wanders," to better understand the nature of our own questions and to hear the answers. Taking time to ponder means we need quiet time. Time unplugged.

4. Journal. Yep. Write it down. Writing is thinking. Writing helps us process and be committed. It helps us remember and rejoice. Don't stress about being a talented author, but clearly record God's dealings with you: that is what the scriptures are. Prophets have long counseled us to journal, and here is a great way to receive the blessings of obedience and faithfulness (along with the great benefits of journaling).

Who is your audience? Mostly you. There may be benefits later for others, but this journal is primarily for you to be accountable in your quest to become who God wants you to be. My friend Kimberly, whose mother died when Kim was young, found comfort in her mother's extensive journal collection, where she "heard Mom's voice" through reading. This is one blessing that can only come as we keep a personal record, but it is not the only blessing!

Here are some systematic ways Sylvia suggested for using a scripture journal:

~ Choose a journal style and stick with it, making yourself a "matched set" of volumes. This seems a little OCD, but it has helped her to prioritize and treasure these journals. It has also helped in other ways.
~ Give each page a unique number. Sylvia started with page 1 in the first volume, page 201 in the second volume, page 401 in the third volume, and so forth. As she journals, she writes the corresponding journal page number in the margin of each scripture reference, marking the date it becomes significant in answering her life questions. This has made giving talks easier: as she opens her scriptures to various verses, she may have a variety of experiences to turn to for examples to share from her own life.
~ Write the entire date atop each journal entry, including the year.
~ Write the question you are asking that day.
~ Copy down all the words of the entire verse or passage in which you found your answer, including its reference. When you work to record it right, you imprint it even more powerfully in memory and also prepare yourself to notice more details.
~ Record your impressions and the ways you feel about your experience. The other parts of this writing process have been fairly systematic; take the opportunity to make this personal by writing your witness of what you have learned and how it is significant to you. Include other events that put the experience in context.
~ Record follow-up experiences from previous days' questions and answers.
~ Remember that sometimes answers come as you write! Recording is one way you "Knock," or physically act on the promptings you expect to receive. The scriptural promise to those who "knock" is that "it shall be opened unto you." Watch for eternal openings!
~ Look for all you are thankful for and write this down, too.

5. Thank. A closing prayer, expressing only gratitude, is an important aspect of receiving answers. Again, kneel down and pray aloud. In Doctrine and Covenants 59:7 we are told: "Thou shalt thank the Lord thy God in all things." 

And here is Section 46:30-33:

"He that asketh in the Spirit asketh according to the will of God; wherefore it is done even as he asketh.
"And again, I say unto you, all things must be done in the name of Christ, whatsoever you do in the Spirit;
"And ye must give thanks unto God in the Spirit for whatsoever blessing ye are blessed with.
"And ye must practice virtue and holiness before me continually. Even so. Amen."

Our gratitude to God is worship. As we joyfully thank Him in all things, we worship Him in all things. He has promised (also in D&C 59): "Verily I say that inasmuch as ye do this, the fulness of the earth is yours;" God's promised "reward" is "peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come."

The strategies I have mentioned here are not really mine, nor are they Sylvia's or President Sommerfeldt's---or even President Hunter's. They work because they are part of God's pattern, and He keeps His promises. Whether the question pertains to a struggling family member, a doctrinal issue, a perplexing life course choice, or resolving a relationship pattern, I have seen that the answers are in the scriptures and that God helps us find and rejoice in those answers.

Moms Save the Nation: Elections and Trade Deficits

"Mom, which do you want: to die by poison, to be stabbed to death, or to contract a deadly disease?"

I'm cooking.

"None of them, please. I choose life."

"Aw, Mom, get serious! Which do you prefer?"

Believe me, I am serious. If some killer wants me dead, he has his reasons -- and his weapon of choice. But I don't prefer it and don't have to be party to it.

I feel that way about the Proposed Murder of Uncle Sam, too.

It seems pretty obvious that our "viable" Presidential Choices are being offered by some sleight-of-hand master mind: every option the media presents spells Death; death by communists or traitors or tyrants is still death.

I'm casting my vote for life.

The candidate I want is unlikely to win this election, but I intend more than merely standing or herding with the majority. My vote counts on many fronts. I know it will be heard.

~ God holds us accountable for how we vote -- and how we value the Constitution He inspired. My vote is an act of faith, offered in the hope that I shall receive His blessings as I need them. I expect, in this upcoming Season of Death, that we will all need God's help.

~ Parties get representation and placement based on how many votes are cast for their presidential candidates. The parties note and count up who is voting for whom.

~ To communicate that your party's candidate is too liberal/psychotic/morally unacceptable, vote more conservatively.  Choosing the Democrat option to send a message to the Republican Party has been working so well that we are all in a frenzied dance that moves only to the left! We make changes when we do things differently.

In similar ways, each family holds the key to the trade deficit.

We don't have to wait for convoluted laws with unintended consequences; we can solve problems ourselves. Particularly with food products, not bound by United States safety regulations, simply enact and enforce your own embargo. Growing your own or buying local is better for our economy and for the environment -- shipping US food to China for processing and then shipping it back to sell is bad logistics and can't really be cheaper! Buying fresh and eating local and seasonal foods is arguably a healthier choice for our bodies.

In practice, this may mean deliberately spending a few extra cents for a different brand. It may mean doing research, to find out if specific items "grown in" or "packed for" an address in the United States were actually "processed" abroad. It may mean doing without Happy Meal toys, bound for the landfill anyway. It may even mean eliminating a few Happy Meals, for frozen meats are often processed elsewhere.

Consider what could result if everyone in America swung $20 a month away from foreign products: The trade deficit would dry up. Our children could be meaningfully involved in a patriotic cause. The grip of materialism could be loosened. People would become more confident and capable -- and less motivated or frozen by fear.

Our votes count. Let's vote for life -- at the ballot box and at the stores where we shop.

Photos from sxc.hu. Courtesy of Luis Cuellar and prazert promvong.

My Foot Hurts -- But I Have Another

Last weekend my youngest daughter was invited to go skiing with a neighbor girl.  They went together to a local ski shop the night before -- a different shop than her dad uses.

When the young woman who helped her with equipment rental had her try on a pair of boots, my daughter said they were too small. "They'll be just fine," the girl told her crisply.

Perhaps the boots were fine for the shop girl, but my daughter's feet are still blistered, bruised and painful -- where she has feeling!  She endured the pain during a full day of skiing, then burst into tears as soon as she came inside the house.  I commiserated with her, then suggested ways she might ease the pain.  She took a long, relaxing bath and read a book.

A mother's emotions are certainly mixed, when situations like these arise!  I did not give someone a piece of my mind, for I haven't any pieces to spare. My daughter has heard other, similar situations about that particular rental shop; she has determined not to return with her business.

Can pain help us?  I hope so.  I hope that my daughter will not be soured on skiing, and that she will be wise enough to separate the reasons from the negative experience.  I hope she will have the courage to politely stand up for herself next time, even if someone in "authority" initially brushes off her input.  And I hope she will have compassion for others, even when they don't remember kindness when they ask for help.


Photos from sxc.hu, used courtesy of frederico paiva and Renxx Gmdr.