Formally in Love

When my daughter returned from college over Spring Break, we spoke about her observations on dating and marriage relationships. She noted that some of her ideas about the Ideal Marriage have been changing over time. Specifically, I was interested when she said that she has considered her Dad's and my relationship as...well...as business.

Frankly, I thought that was an odd perception; I would certainly never have considered characterizing our relationship that way! After she left, I asked about it. She wrote, in part:

What I mean is that you and Dad are very formal. How we do things in our family is just in general pretty formal. The way that you and Dad talk about dating and finding a spouse is very business-like....I guess I thought...you dated, you thought you were good people, so you got married. 

Now, that is not how I would have described what happened!

We do tell our children to engage their brains before they give their hearts enough to even hold hands: I expect each one to use his head and deliberately limit the pool of potential dating partners by looking only in the group of worthy candidates for the few with whom he could fall in love. I don't expect my daughters to indiscriminately pick someone to love and marry and then realize, "Whoopsie! My Sweetheart has no skills and no drive to support our family--and he is abusive and has some expensive and disruptive addictions! Dang. Oh well!"

Form is a good thing. I don't apologize for being "formal," which is not synonymous with being "impersonal"--- and it doesn't imply "being real only in appearance."

If something is formal, it conforms to a regular pattern, well enough that the pattern is evident. It has structure, so there are reasonable expectations and harmony. It is deliberate, methodical in its making. It is is something organized, created, or caused to exist. It has to do with order, which is synonymous with God's power.

As a Homemaker, I take this as a compliment.

Marriage, by its very nature, is formal. It marks the deliberate act of forming a family that is recognized by the state, the Church, and the individuals directly involved. It has legal and moral obligations and consequences, many of which extend beyond the participants' deaths.

One of the main functions of God's priesthood is to organize families after God's pattern. Does that mean there is not room for feeling? Believe me, my husband moves the deepest feelings of my heart--and that is how I knew that he was The One. I could instantly see and feel that the other things were in line, and part of what stirred (and still moves me) was a desire not to ever lose him. The fact is that we can be "in love" with anyone that we allow to get close to us, and research shows it: there are 36 questions that are designed to help even strangers share enough to love one another and be willing to marry, but that is Dangerous, unless you are both whole and ready to accept the responsibility and unless you are both worthy and prepared in other ways. Forming a family to raise up to God implies, well, form. It also carries with it the chance for success--and failure. Being organized under the priesthood is a good thing. Letting a family "be whatever it wants" takes the meaning right out of the words and the relationships. 

No, I am not offended if anyone thinks our family is more "formal" than others, though I am saddened and even dismayed by the disruptions of our times. I hope and pray that my children will not be permissive parents, that they and their spouses will be thoughtful and deliberate as they form families. I hope that work and diligence will be a prominent feature of their relationships and a hallmark of what they create together. Naturally, I hope they will have fun and laugh together, but fun is not the best basis for a lasting relationship. Eventually (and much sooner than later), verbal fireworks get boring--and peaceable harmony and working together in love becomes deeply exciting and motivating.