“Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity.”

--Margaret D. Nadauld, October 2000, The Joy of Womanhood.

Can We Sustain This?

There is much talk about environmental sustainability--and "Eating Sustainably" has almost become a religion. But have we considered what it takes to build sustainable families?

I have had some wonderful neighbors over the years, including one whom I shall call "Carol." Carol is about ten years older than I, and her life experiences helped inform mine. Carol showed me what it meant to be a good neighbor and a good friend--and a good mother.

Carol's sister, "Cathy," had four sons roughly the same age as Carol's children. Whereas my neighbor,  a college graduate, had chosen to make hers a home where she mothered and taught her children, Cathy had a career outside her home. While she and her husband both worked, Cathy's aging parents were at home with Cathy's boys. The last was born after his brothers were all in school, and Cathy's mother grumbled that she "didn't bargain for this!" Consider it--the decision so profoundly impacted her, it was an affront for them not to have consulted her! What a sad response for a Grandma!

As might be guessed from the title of this post, I am not trying to explore the morality of this pattern. Of course I believe it is better for children to be cared for by responsible and loving family members. This is not a rant about convenience, either--few worthwhile things happen accidentally or are truly convenient--my question about this pattern regards sustainability across generations.

Carol's and Cathy's mother belonged to a generation that was moving into the workforce, yet she chose to remain at home, raising her children and supporting her husband in his taxing career. She had many skills that I saw translated into Carol's parenting, though I know Carol learned even more along the way. Cathy's children were parented by these same good parents, while Cathy invested in other pursuits. And she was sure her children were "all right" at home with her mom and dad.

But what about Cathy's grandchildren? Who will parent them?

Cathy's boys had lessons and vacations and electronics and even family caregivers, but are they prepared to offer the most important things they will need to give their children and grandchildren? Putting aside other issues and challenges even I observed them facing, Cathy's children didn't see full-time parenting modeled by their parents; and Cathy's own parenting experience is now limited--her parents were the ones who juggled schedules, washed laundry, and cared for their grandchildren when they got sick! Cathy's kids may think that, since they "turned out," they can repeat the pattern--but the new generation's Grandma is Cathy, and she has neither the skills nor the inclination to help.

Of course there are varied situations that might be considered exceptions to the norm, and in these we do the best we can; but in homes with two healthy parents, what is our society's norm--and is it sustainable? Generally speaking, the life lessons learned during parenting are ideally experienced when we have the energy to tackle and incorporate them--when we are young and excited about doing things with our children to make the world a better place.

Photos from Today's Parent, Nashville Family Law, and onmanorama.com.

Something Better

It was the summer of 1998 and we were all waiting at the baggage claim. My mother had arrived for a visit; she had shared her flight with the support crew (and one of the stars) of the Brooks & Dunn duo. Mom had been seated beside a cheerful fellow who had taught her some magic tricks that she was eager to show us: his regular job was to sell CDs at the concerts and he had been on the road with the group for months.

I have some very vivid memories of those moments: it seemed like the wait was very long and that my family was somehow on display, drawing the surprisingly small crowd of waiters-around like honey and light. My three children were darling and this was one of those times where I could see that the antics and enthusiasm of my excited five-year-old son and sweet four-year-old daughter were admired and appreciated; our curly-haired, crawling baby boy, silently guarded by my husband, was simply the cutest ever. I was expecting my fourth child and was obviously filling out maternity clothes, yet I felt beautiful and happy, as if I were filled with joy and warm radiance.

And then the men began to talk. They clearly yearned for what we had. I was stunned to hear one mourn that he was going back to a broken home: his wife had filed for divorce while he had been on tour, and he was hoping to salvage his family. Others alluded to similar woes.

I glanced a few times at that tall, booted superstar, hanging back and watching the scene from around the edge of baggage claim. I recalled the winter I was sixteen, the year I had asked for a tabloid newspaper for Christmas: I had repeatedly combed through it, finding only evidence of ruined lives in the wake of superstar status--their divorces and arrests--there was even a page chronicling the suicides and drug overdoses of the children of those unfortunate, mixed-up people! That tattered paper became a pillar in my choice to choose family over fame, but I had not considered that there would be such a high cost to those Nameless Ones who even traveled with the band: the star seemed hardened, steeled against the pain that inevitably comes with the life he had chosen; those other men probably hadn't realized the cost this stint would be to their happiness.

It's no wonder famous folk have broken lives, that they are living messes: whether moral and emotional impoverishment leads to seeking fame or results from it, a casual observer of the rich should naturally wonder whether--and how--any superstars are whole. Happy marriages and successful parenting take lots and lots of time--at inconvenient times, if you are onstage when most people are looking for a night out. Normal dinnertimes and healthy bedtimes and productive morning routines are not very negotiable, and those are Shifts when Mother is needed most.


For it is Mom's job to "Be At the Crossroads." This means Mom doesn't have higher priorities, that she can be relaxed and focused on her family whenever "Quality Time" happens. "Mom" means you are the official "Crossroads Be-er," the "Time Giver," the "Home Maker," wherever you are.

It also means you give your best--and that you become your best. I have often said that my children deserve a World Class Mother, which is more important than a World Famous Anything Else. I am not perfect yet, but I can put all my talents to work at becoming the person they deserve, the person each needs to do his own life's work.

This is Something Better.

No Likes? Check You Out on Facebook

My husband and I recently had dinner out with friends. One man, who had been interviewing potential employees all week, had something on his mind.

His company had openings for salesmen and a Marketing Manager--hot jobs that start at 60k--and he was finding slim pickings, despite the fact that the community hosts two large universities.

There were dozens of applicants, all right: the man was wading through literally scores of resumes. Before contacting anyone, however, he checked them out on Facebook. And clicked away.

One fellow looked very promising--until the man found a picture of him taking a Selfie during his own valedictory speech. Click.

Another guy had great photos of his mission--and a skiing photo of himself that looked like a beer commercial. Click.

Blue hair might win big bucks in a My Little Pony Lookalikes Giveaway; the man was looking for someone respectable to represent his company to clients. Click.

To what kind of married man her dad's age would these Kissy-face Selfies appeal--and would she really want him to hire her? Click.

I listened as the man gave example after example of things people had posted online, all of which marketed them as narcissistic--or just plain lacking in judgment. "No thank you!" he said with a Click--and they may never know why. Fewer than a handful even got called in to interview.

Talk about it. You had better believe that we discussed this with our children! They said school teachers had warned students, but sometimes a picture is worth a thousand unsuitable words; there are even legal cases where people have lost over less. A random perusal of just about anyone's Wall will provide great examples for discussion--for good or bad.

What's wrong with this picture? Take personal responsibility to look and act. What is on your Facebook page? Who are your "Friends?" My youngest son and I, recently going through a Cub Scout Cyber Safety exercise, went through my photo list of Facebook Friends and considered how I was keeping our family's rules. It was good to learn about internet safety and then evaluate my own actions with the help of another person, one with a different perspective. While nothing online ever goes away, we do have some power to block unwanted photos. We can also avoid situations where something ridiculous or inappropriate-looking could even happen, let alone be photographed.

Follow up. A person's online presence must be managed. Periodic, objective evaluations of what is shown and said about us online is important, especially when we are seeking work.

You have already heard this? Believe it.

Formally in Love

When my daughter returned from college over Spring Break, we spoke about her observations on dating and marriage relationships. She noted that some of her ideas about the Ideal Marriage have been changing over time. Specifically, I was interested when she said that she has considered her Dad's and my relationship as...well...as business.

Frankly, I thought that was an odd perception; I would certainly never have considered characterizing our relationship that way! After she left, I asked about it. She wrote, in part:

What I mean is that you and Dad are very formal. How we do things in our family is just in general pretty formal. The way that you and Dad talk about dating and finding a spouse is very business-like....I guess I thought...you dated, you thought you were good people, so you got married. 

Now, that is not how I would have described what happened!

We do tell our children to engage their brains before they give their hearts enough to even hold hands: I expect each one to use his head and deliberately limit the pool of potential dating partners by looking only in the group of worthy candidates for the few with whom he could fall in love. I don't expect my daughters to indiscriminately pick someone to love and marry and then realize, "Whoopsie! My Sweetheart has no skills and no drive to support our family--and he is abusive and has some expensive and disruptive addictions! Dang. Oh well!"

Form is a good thing. I don't apologize for being "formal," which is not synonymous with being "impersonal"--- and it doesn't imply "being real only in appearance."

If something is formal, it conforms to a regular pattern, well enough that the pattern is evident. It has structure, so there are reasonable expectations and harmony. It is deliberate, methodical in its making. It is is something organized, created, or caused to exist. It has to do with order, which is synonymous with God's power.

As a Homemaker, I take this as a compliment.

Marriage, by its very nature, is formal. It marks the deliberate act of forming a family that is recognized by the state, the Church, and the individuals directly involved. It has legal and moral obligations and consequences, many of which extend beyond the participants' deaths.

One of the main functions of God's priesthood is to organize families after God's pattern. Does that mean there is not room for feeling? Believe me, my husband moves the deepest feelings of my heart--and that is how I knew that he was The One. I could instantly see and feel that the other things were in line, and part of what stirred (and still moves me) was a desire not to ever lose him. The fact is that we can be "in love" with anyone that we allow to get close to us, and research shows it: there are 36 questions that are designed to help even strangers share enough to love one another and be willing to marry, but that is Dangerous, unless you are both whole and ready to accept the responsibility and unless you are both worthy and prepared in other ways. Forming a family to raise up to God implies, well, form. It also carries with it the chance for success--and failure. Being organized under the priesthood is a good thing. Letting a family "be whatever it wants" takes the meaning right out of the words and the relationships. 

No, I am not offended if anyone thinks our family is more "formal" than others, though I am saddened and even dismayed by the disruptions of our times. I hope and pray that my children will not be permissive parents, that they and their spouses will be thoughtful and deliberate as they form families. I hope that work and diligence will be a prominent feature of their relationships and a hallmark of what they create together. Naturally, I hope they will have fun and laugh together, but fun is not the best basis for a lasting relationship. Eventually (and much sooner than later), verbal fireworks get boring--and peaceable harmony and working together in love becomes deeply exciting and motivating.

Personal Revelation from Scripture Study

When the Learner is ready, the Teacher appears. 

As a parent, I have tired myself repeating teachings that seem never to be really heard---and later been flabbergasted to hear my child rejoice to "figure it out" on his own, or with the help of another teacher! 

This leads to several conclusions, including the awareness that people must learn things for themselves, though we rarely figure them out by ourselves: the reality is that teachers have been there all along, trying to share needed messages; we internalize lessons when we are ready and we offer those messages to others both to prepare them to become ready and to be the messenger if they happen to be ready to learn something in that moment.

This applies to scripture reading and to spiritual maturity, too: the Holy Ghost is the best Teacher of all. He is ready to help us learn, but we learn best when the answers He would give address the questions we are asking. 

Are we asking?

Several months ago I attended a presentation given by Sylvia Allan, a retired elementary school principal from Lindon. Sylvia shared many life experiences to demonstrate ways a scripture study program, learned in a fireside years before, had changed the course of her life, helping her to better get answers to her questions and help her face and overcome her challenges. I have tried following the principles she outlined, and know from experience that it is effective.

Orem Stake President and researcher Vern Sommerfeldt presented the original fireside, sharing patterns he had learned from his study of the scriptures and the counsel of prophets. Sylvia said that she almost did not attend---and that she at first heard President Sommerfeldt's suggestions with skepticism. An abandoned single mother trying to provide, raise four young sons (one with radical disabilities), and get an education, if anyone had Lack of Time as an excuse, she did! Hearing about her experiences showed my feeble excuses for the sham they are; the miracles she shared from her challenging life offered hope that God would do the same for me in mine. 

And He has.

In 1979, Howard W. Hunter counseled: 

"It is certain that one who studies the scriptures every day accomplishes far more than one who devotes considerable time one day and then lets days go by before continuing. Not only should we study each day, but there should be a regular time set aside when we can concentrate without interference....It would be ideal if an hour could be spent each day; but if that much cannot be had, a half hour on a regular basis would result in substantial accomplishment. A quarter of an hour is little time, but it is surprising how much enlightenment and knowledge can be acquired....The important thing is to allow nothing else to ever interfere with our study....We should not be haphazard in our reading, but rather develop a systematic plan for study....It is better to have a set amount of time to give scriptural study each day than to have a set amount of chapters to read. Sometimes we find that the study of a single verse will occupy the whole time."

This quote shares several important principles about Time, with regard to scripture study: 

Make a daily appointment with God and keep it. 

Study scriptures at the same time each day. 

Study for a set amount of time each day, using a systematic plan. 

Ask; Seek; Knock. Again, from President Hunter: "There is nothing more helpful than prayer to open our understanding of the scriptures. Through prayer we can attune our minds to seek the answers to our searchings." The Five-Element Strategy starts and ends with prayer, though we will classify these prayers more specifically. Remember that these are not really "steps" to be done in order: we can do any part multiple times along the way. The important thing is that we are reverent in our worship and in seeking personal revelation from God, and that we include all of the elements in our quest. Sylvia mentioned that people will sometimes complain to her that "it is not working"---and it invariably comes out that they are neglecting one or more of the essential elements. 

1. Ask. Ask God a specific question in prayer. Kneel down and pray out loud. Asking "with real intent" implies that you intend to act on the answer you receive. When I kneel down and pray aloud, it focuses my thoughts and demonstrates that I am already acting on the question I ask, making me already accountable to myself and to God. Answers come, too---and not just to doctrinal questions.

2. Study. When I simply "read the scriptures," I get a lot of what I have called Asteroid Belt Thinking: There is a Lot of Nothing, moving around fast, and getting nowhere! Study is different: it is a big part of Seeking. It is focused reading on a topic in a place where one is likely to find---or is directed to look for---the answers to the questions he asks. The Index and Biblical Topical Guide often are the first places I start my search---and the Spirit helps me know which references to read in my quest for answers. Webster's original dictionary (1828) often casts new light on topics and General Conference talks also help me understand God's truths, though this is primarily a time designated for scripture study. 

3. Ponder. President Hunter gives many examples of this in his talk, saying, "The reading time" of a scripture may be "short and uncomplicated....But as we spend time in thought and contemplation, a great depth of understanding and meaning comes to us." This pondering can extend on into the day, widening our awareness as the Spirit guides us to apply principles from the scriptures in our lives. Sylvia encouraged us to "listen to the way your mind wanders," to better understand the nature of our own questions and to hear the answers. Taking time to ponder means we need quiet time. Time unplugged.

4. Journal. Yep. Write it down. Writing is thinking. Writing helps us process and be committed. It helps us remember and rejoice. Don't stress about being a talented author, but clearly record God's dealings with you: that is what the scriptures are. Prophets have long counseled us to journal, and here is a great way to receive the blessings of obedience and faithfulness (along with the great benefits of journaling).

Who is your audience? Mostly you. There may be benefits later for others, but this journal is primarily for you to be accountable in your quest to become who God wants you to be. My friend Kimberly, whose mother died when Kim was young, found comfort in her mother's extensive journal collection, where she "heard Mom's voice" through reading. This is one blessing that can only come as we keep a personal record, but it is not the only blessing!

Here are some systematic ways Sylvia suggested for using a scripture journal:

~ Choose a journal style and stick with it, making yourself a "matched set" of volumes. This seems a little OCD, but it has helped her to prioritize and treasure these journals. It has also helped in other ways.
~ Give each page a unique number. Sylvia started with page 1 in the first volume, page 201 in the second volume, page 401 in the third volume, and so forth. As she journals, she writes the corresponding journal page number in the margin of each scripture reference, marking the date it becomes significant in answering her life questions. This has made giving talks easier: as she opens her scriptures to various verses, she may have a variety of experiences to turn to for examples to share from her own life.
~ Write the entire date atop each journal entry, including the year.
~ Write the question you are asking that day.
~ Copy down all the words of the entire verse or passage in which you found your answer, including its reference. When you work to record it right, you imprint it even more powerfully in memory and also prepare yourself to notice more details.
~ Record your impressions and the ways you feel about your experience. The other parts of this writing process have been fairly systematic; take the opportunity to make this personal by writing your witness of what you have learned and how it is significant to you. Include other events that put the experience in context.
~ Record follow-up experiences from previous days' questions and answers.
~ Remember that sometimes answers come as you write! Recording is one way you "Knock," or physically act on the promptings you expect to receive. The scriptural promise to those who "knock" is that "it shall be opened unto you." Watch for eternal openings!
~ Look for all you are thankful for and write this down, too.

5. Thank. A closing prayer, expressing only gratitude, is an important aspect of receiving answers. Again, kneel down and pray aloud. In Doctrine and Covenants 59:7 we are told: "Thou shalt thank the Lord thy God in all things." 

And here is Section 46:30-33:

"He that asketh in the Spirit asketh according to the will of God; wherefore it is done even as he asketh.
"And again, I say unto you, all things must be done in the name of Christ, whatsoever you do in the Spirit;
"And ye must give thanks unto God in the Spirit for whatsoever blessing ye are blessed with.
"And ye must practice virtue and holiness before me continually. Even so. Amen."

Our gratitude to God is worship. As we joyfully thank Him in all things, we worship Him in all things. He has promised (also in D&C 59): "Verily I say that inasmuch as ye do this, the fulness of the earth is yours;" God's promised "reward" is "peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come."

The strategies I have mentioned here are not really mine, nor are they Sylvia's or President Sommerfeldt's---or even President Hunter's. They work because they are part of God's pattern, and He keeps His promises. Whether the question pertains to a struggling family member, a doctrinal issue, a perplexing life course choice, or resolving a relationship pattern, I have seen that the answers are in the scriptures and that God helps us find and rejoice in those answers.

Moms Save the Nation: Elections and Trade Deficits

"Mom, which do you want: to die by poison, to be stabbed to death, or to contract a deadly disease?"

I'm cooking.

"None of them, please. I choose life."

"Aw, Mom, get serious! Which do you prefer?"

Believe me, I am serious. If some killer wants me dead, he has his reasons -- and his weapon of choice. But I don't prefer it and don't have to be party to it.

I feel that way about the Proposed Murder of Uncle Sam, too.

It seems pretty obvious that our "viable" Presidential Choices are being offered by some sleight-of-hand master mind: every option the media presents spells Death; death by communists or traitors or tyrants is still death.

I'm casting my vote for life.

The candidate I want is unlikely to win this election, but I intend more than merely standing or herding with the majority. My vote counts on many fronts. I know it will be heard.

~ God holds us accountable for how we vote -- and how we value the Constitution He inspired. My vote is an act of faith, offered in the hope that I shall receive His blessings as I need them. I expect, in this upcoming Season of Death, that we will all need God's help.

~ Parties get representation and placement based on how many votes are cast for their presidential candidates. The parties note and count up who is voting for whom.

~ To communicate that your party's candidate is too liberal/psychotic/morally unacceptable, vote more conservatively.  Choosing the Democrat option to send a message to the Republican Party has been working so well that we are all in a frenzied dance that moves only to the left! We make changes when we do things differently.

In similar ways, each family holds the key to the trade deficit.

We don't have to wait for convoluted laws with unintended consequences; we can solve problems ourselves. Particularly with food products, not bound by United States safety regulations, simply enact and enforce your own embargo. Growing your own or buying local is better for our economy and for the environment -- shipping US food to China for processing and then shipping it back to sell is bad logistics and can't really be cheaper! Buying fresh and eating local and seasonal foods is arguably a healthier choice for our bodies.

In practice, this may mean deliberately spending a few extra cents for a different brand. It may mean doing research, to find out if specific items "grown in" or "packed for" an address in the United States were actually "processed" abroad. It may mean doing without Happy Meal toys, bound for the landfill anyway. It may even mean eliminating a few Happy Meals, for frozen meats are often processed elsewhere.

Consider what could result if everyone in America swung $20 a month away from foreign products: The trade deficit would dry up. Our children could be meaningfully involved in a patriotic cause. The grip of materialism could be loosened. People would become more confident and capable -- and less motivated or frozen by fear.

Our votes count. Let's vote for life -- at the ballot box and at the stores where we shop.

Photos from sxc.hu. Courtesy of Luis Cuellar and prazert promvong.

My Foot Hurts -- But I Have Another

Last weekend my youngest daughter was invited to go skiing with a neighbor girl.  They went together to a local ski shop the night before -- a different shop than her dad uses.

When the young woman who helped her with equipment rental had her try on a pair of boots, my daughter said they were too small. "They'll be just fine," the girl told her crisply.

Perhaps the boots were fine for the shop girl, but my daughter's feet are still blistered, bruised and painful -- where she has feeling!  She endured the pain during a full day of skiing, then burst into tears as soon as she came inside the house.  I commiserated with her, then suggested ways she might ease the pain.  She took a long, relaxing bath and read a book.

A mother's emotions are certainly mixed, when situations like these arise!  I did not give someone a piece of my mind, for I haven't any pieces to spare. My daughter has heard other, similar situations about that particular rental shop; she has determined not to return with her business.

Can pain help us?  I hope so.  I hope that my daughter will not be soured on skiing, and that she will be wise enough to separate the reasons from the negative experience.  I hope she will have the courage to politely stand up for herself next time, even if someone in "authority" initially brushes off her input.  And I hope she will have compassion for others, even when they don't remember kindness when they ask for help.


Photos from sxc.hu, used courtesy of frederico paiva and Renxx Gmdr.

For, Not Against

I think anti-bullying campaigns are a bad idea.  Not neutral: harmful.

Like drug awareness drives, an anti-bullying campaign defines people and problems in ways that actually increase the likelihood and incidence of the problems it promises to fix, perpetuating a cycle of the program being funded and expanded -- and thereby continuing expansion of the violence problem.

Are drugs and violence problematic?  Of course.  But what would happen if we instead worked to resolve them in terms of what good we are trying to accomplish?  How are our efforts -- and our results -- different when we focus on what we are for, instead of what we are against?

This topic was inspired, actually, by advertisements for an upcoming "Anti-bully, anti-depression, anti-school violence" high school play and a club in our local schools.  Ostensibly formed to fight against depression and suicide, this club alienates people and implicitly suggests suicide as a possible option for discouraged kids.  Members join by invitation only and "support" comes in the form of impersonal handwritten notes, passed out to everyone in the school -- and posters and assemblies that highlight suicide as a looming teen problem.  How would the club function differently if it combated the problem by minimizing kids' focus on depression and suicide, taught healthy coping and interpersonal skills, and sponsored wholesome, interactive events that appropriately taught kids to include classmates from all demographics?

Anti-bullying campaigns similarly define people in terms of victimization.  The tendency some people have to exploit the vulnerabilities of others is not a new problem, but handling it with "Bully Not" is predictably new -- and demonstrably ineffective.  From Brer Rabbit and Brer Bear to Israel and Syria, who is going to impotently demand that bullies "be nice and shake hands" -- and doesn't that make them bullies, for being bigger and more demanding in their interference?

No, the answer is deeper -- and it is something we have to be commitedly for: the solution to the bullying problem is compassion and unflinching love.  This is soft love, the kind that bears with and suffers with people; it is also tough love, the kind that allows people to take responsibility for the part of the problem that is truly theirs and that is big enough to forgive and to teach to forgive the parts that extend beyond the individual.  It is a love that can show compassion for members of the school's anti-suicide club, who personally ostracize and mock younger girls whose circumstances and lack of social graces make them odious -- and can patiently teach them a better way.

As a mother, I cannot afford just to be against: I am for true Christian love. This takes proactive strategies, deliberately taught and modeled every day.

Photos from sxc.hu, used courtesy of Anja Ranneberg, Chris Cummings,  Rick Lesser, and Jimmy Rives.

Disability? Handicap? Or Superpower?

One of my daughters is gifted at sign language.  After a recent class presentation, she and I discussed Audism, which is concerned with prejudice about and by the deaf.

"Mom," she began, "would you consider deafness a disability?"

Strictly speaking, of course, I had to say Yes: if someone lacks a particular ability, such as the capacity to hear, in that sense he is disabled. Still, a person may be born with a disability, but that does not mean he must choose to be handicapped, or hampered in his capacity to accomplish things and be happy. Wise parents and teachers will ever try to enable each of their children to function as fully as is possible, that they may accomplish the personal missions of their lives.

This is not going to be a rant on injustice to deaf people; I use this illustration to make a point about disability, and deafness is an obvious case, though it differs from many other disability situations on multiple levels.  There is, for example, a thriving Deaf Community -- which is a community in most imaginable senses:  the deaf have their own language and (therefore) a unique culture; they communicate and work together to make improvements for themselves and others whose challenges are similar; they have schools, churches, and cultural events; they have personal contact with translators and technology and other structural ways to interface with those who hear.  The deaf are pretty vocal about their challenges and I am not implying life is perfect for people who lack the ability to hear, for I understand that it is usually isolating to be deaf; I am personally unable to communicate well in sign language and struggle in my efforts to reach out meaningfully to people who cannot hear.  There are many evident ways in which the deaf need not be handicapped.

But there are other, less obvious, disabilities with which I am more familiar.  Some people are hampered by debilitating digestive or blood sugar issues, while others are in the crippling grip of fear, anger, or negativity.  As just one example, I have sons and other relatives who struggle with Autism challenges.  These are otherwise bright people whose social skills are impaired, sometimes painfully so.  Their challenges are often misunderstood, and so are their families':  whereas, if a deaf child behaves oddly, a signed exchange silently excuses much of it; if an otherwise "smart" or "healthy" autistic child misbehaves, it's more likely to be viewed as a parenting issue.  Autism can be even more isolating than deafness, for the social challenge of communication (combined with misunderstanding and trust challenges that seem pretty much inevitable) make a meaningful "community" difficult even to envision.

It is a parent's challenge to enable her "disabled" child to function and thrive, whatever the issues.  Usually this happens when she loves her child and can see him as "gifted."  And yes, each person has unique and beautiful gifts.

Years ago, when Autism was a fairly uncommon diagnosis, we came to understand that we needed help to teach our very bright son.  His diagnosis made him feel "branded," "broken," and "strange."  We tried to use his evaluation to understand his needs and to focus on ways to help him, rather than broadcast it to everyone.  We talked about the good parts of his character and his functionality, including his ability to hyperfocus and retain information about the subjects which interested him.  We gave him opportunities to study his passions and tried to structurally shield him from the isolation of electronics and other pitfalls that regularly afflict autistic boys and which we felt could hamper his ability and desire to interact meaningfully with others.  It has been a blessing that our children have each other, for they cannot withdraw socially!  Interestingly enough, during the first few minutes of the movie, Inside Out, he whispered to me that the heroine needed siblings.  How true.

We also talked about successful people who had autistic challenges -- and there are many!  One prominent researcher even goes so far as to say that some degree of Autism is a required ingredient in doing something big to change the world!  We tried to help our son see the upsides of his situation as personal superpowers that made him uniquely capable; and we (my husband was the insightful one who really shone at this) taught him to use his other evaluative talents to analyze social situations, much the way someone who struggles with math needs lots of patient repetition to function and succeed in his math and science courses, and to equip him to logically function in the world.

One afternoon provided an epiphany.  My husband received a computer message from a co-worker, inviting him to a meeting.  His co-worker had a Mac computer and everyone else had PCs; they did not have a suitable interface software and the message was garbled and long.  My husband showed a copy of the message to our son, asking him what had happened.  Our son, who understood something of computers, immediately recognized the problem and was able to decode the message.

"Which is better," my husband asked him, "a Mac or a PC?"  Our son responded that both have advantages, and that some people prefer Macs because of their capabilities, even though PCs were more common.

"If a person with a Mac wants to communicate with a person on a PC," my husband suggested, "whose job is it to make sure the interface software works?"  Our son shrugged his shoulders with the easy conclusion that Macs, with about a 10% market share, must bear the responsibility for communication.

"You are the Mac," my husband informed him.  "You can do some things better, but you must build the bridge for your own communication.  And when you do, others will be able to cross, too.  If you can effectively communicate with everyone, you can make the world better -- for everyone."

Further, after the idea had some time to simmer, my husband asked our son to hypothetically consider whether, if he could choose, he would want to abandon his "superpowers" for a chance to be "normal," without his autistic tendencies.  Only a little thought led him to the conclusion that he would prefer himself as he is.  I was amazed.

How have things worked out?  We are still working -- and I have other rodeos.  But recent job interviews have had remarkable outcomes for this "socially-challenged" child.  His interest and ability to research leads him to often know more about a company's stated mission and focus than his interviewers.  His analytical ability helps him to perceive and outline hazards in social situations that many would miss.  And he has been remarkably successful in multiple tests of his ability to interact with and relate to strangers.

How does a mother change the world?  By daily acts.  Through reminders and patience -- even though she has said it a thousand times already.  We all have some sort of disability, but it doesn't have to become a handicap -- and if Mom can frame it properly, she is discovering and nurturing a Superpower.


Interpreter photo from San Diego Community.  
Other photos from sxc.hu.  Used courtesy of Griszka Niewiadomski, Leanne Rook, and Andy Duran.

Professions For Women

(This was written recently in response to an assignment to address the issues raised by Virginia Woolf in her lecture by the same name. Virginia Woolf (1882-1941) is hailed as one of the premiere modernists; her literary work was well-received in her own time and continues to be recognized as significant. In her private life, Woolf suffered from mental illness. She was married, but she openly carried on affairs with both men and women. Ultimately, she committed suicide.
 In her talk to working women, Woolf congratulated them for fighting to win "a room of their own" in the office buildings previously controlled exclusively by men, but she also informed them that their rooms are bare and unfurnished. She recounted her own experience as a writer whose inheritance made her work "telling stories" to get "a motorcar" nonetheless a losing battle against the prejudices of men. She rejoiced at killing the spirit that urges women to be "pure" or be virtuous homemakers and said women could only define what it means to be a woman by seeking out every possible experience and using their collective experience to come up with relevant meaning.) 

Long ago, during the first spring of my mission in New Hampshire, Sister Smith and I were assigned to serve together in the township of Lyme. This picturesque community (along with its sister community, Lyme Center) is located directly above Hanover, the college town where Dartmouth stands. In those days, Lyme was a rural place for the natives.

           
There were two churches: the Congregational one in Lyme and a Baptist church in Lyme Center. The township was small and church attendance was geographical and traditional, depending on where one lived. Years before, the two community congregations had decided to pool their resources and hire one minister to care for both. Professional pastors were auditioned at both churches, giving the same sermons to each. According to our neighbor, an older female deacon in Lyme, the system worked great.

The town’s newest minister, single and in her thirties, was the first woman pastor Lyme had ever boasted. The people were proud of their broad-mindedness and delighted to be Ecumenical. The old Congregationalists called their pastor by her first name and chuckled at the irony that a Baptist was
leading them. “Marsha” (never Reverend Minister Anyone of Anything we heard) had graduated from a Seminary and had been ordained “by the laying on of hands”—something sententiously communicated (and repeated) with High Significance.

As young Sisters in skirts, we heard this last pronouncement from a wizened, mostly-blind spinster as an incantation against our callow conceit: she heard nothing of the conversation but her own inside jokes, so we made our responses afterward, to one another. For several hours Sister Smith tactfully ruminated on Marsha’s remarkable credentials; she finally pointed out to me that we had both been to Seminary and had also been set apart to minister in a priesthood responsibility “by the laying on of hands”—and those who had given us our calls and set us apart to preach and teach were actually authorized by God to do so. “We have more authority than she does,” a breathless Sister Smith concluded.

I have not been set apart in a priesthood stewardship over you, so I address you today on the subject of Professions for Women as a fellow-sister who has a testimony of Christ. I know by experience that the teaching of God’s truth comes through the Spirit and I hope to be a conduit for Him; if you hear truth, please accept it on His Authority. I have prayed that my experiences and insights will help you to see truths you can apply for yourself on your personal journey to Christ.

Words mean things. Employment, for example, means more than having a place to go to trade your time for money: at its core, to employ means “to use or be used” by something or someone, and it particularly pertains to how we use our time, talents, and energy. Business is only an “I” and a “why” away from busyness: let us hope that the business of our lives is more than an attempt to keep ourselves busy—as if being most occupied, most occupied indeed equates with significant effort or leads to worthy accomplishment! A professor became a university figure delivering lectures because originally higher education was religious education—and a professor is a person who is not ashamed to publicly proclaim his testimony of Christ and is willing to preach the truth of Scripture and join with Christ’s organized Church. A profession is this open declaration; it is a public avowal of commitment to follow Christ through obedience, chastity, and consecration; it is also a personal mission wherein one engages her heart, mind, and body, rather than a merely mechanical occupation where we “use and be used.” Emphatically, professions are for women!

I like reading and have always loved reading aloud to children. When I married and began having my own children, I pored over the holdings at our local library in search of the best and most beautiful children’s books; I also sought information to help me become excellent and confident in my homemaking duties. I particularly checked for titles relating to relationships, health, cooking, child rearing, money-management, and home organization. We moved when I had four young children and I came across a perspective-shifting book in the money-management section of our new library. The authors of this book decried the tendency people have to identify themselves with their job titles or their activities (“I am a student,” or “He is a gymnast,” for example), encouraging us to recognize that we are People who have reasons for spending our time (and our “life energy”) in particular ways.  They encouraged the reader to do some soul searching, looking for clues to determine his personal life mission—the thing for and into which he felt called to voluntarily invest his time and energy.

For the next few days I pondered the authors’ question: If I were not required to work to support myself, how would I spend my time? For the previous eight years I had been home full time with my children, so I considered my husband’s exhausting work frustrations and tried to imagine what unpleasant job I would wish to leave, and—if you can believe it—I was stumped. Suddenly, with startling clarity, it dawned on me: I was already living the Volunteer’s Dream! I had a loving and self-sacrificing husband who had been trading a Herculean amount of talented life energy—each day for many years—to provide me with the freedom to do what we both felt was the most important work of all: we were raising a family up unto God, and (because of his ongoing sacrifice) I had all the time in every day to do it! I recalled (with renewed significance) how, one day when we first married, I had asked my husband if I could spend some money on a trifle and he had responded, “We are One: now we just have four hands and four pockets.” Through the years, this generous response had impelled me to treat Our Money with the respect I would give him: I observed more fully on this day that, like the income which his labors provided, the time I shared in voluntary service to our children and our neighbors was also his gift. I was liberated from the bondage of a paradigm and was thereafter more free to act in my profession; because I knew I was giving for both of us, I actually became both more generous and more deliberately particular in the ways I chose to spend our family’s precious, consecrated time.

Regardless how things are framed, never forget that freedom -- for the captives or the races or the sexes -- is the cause of Christ and of His people, and it comes through righteousness and morality. We live in a feminized world, where Christian attempts at elevating the stations of all women and men through personal dignity and mutual respect have been supplanted by an atheistic, antagonistic “Social Justice” environment that pits women against men. Unless you are at least my mother’s age, you probably haven’t seen the difference or the harm; yet even a shallow shovelful of the history of “Women’s Issues” reveals that attacking the confidence of women in their motherly roles in order to undermine the family is a very old Cause. In an environment where abusive women are hailed as strong and justified, it is easy to get caught up in seeking for answers and approval from the wrong sources, or to forget that there exists a True Source. When a person or society rejects Christ, sooner or later barbarous cruelty—particularly to women and children—inevitably follows. Our Modern world demonstrates that it is only in cultures retaining vestiges of Christianity that women have been accorded social license for beastly behavior: in non-Christian lands, unspeakable atrocities against women are both lawful and commonplace; with our current paradigm of Who/Whom abuses, it probably won’t be long before the emasculated “Frat Boys” (whose existences offer little motivation for graduation into Manhood) will tire of feminist put-downs and will slide from the Whom into the Who role godless women have carved out for them. Each woman’s choice to be pure in today’s atmosphere of deceit and degradation is pivotal, as we still maintain freedom to set society’s stage and direct its action—for now.

I know a man who owns a corporate building. He works with his associates on the upper floor and rents out the offices on ground level to other companies. One day there was an electrical problem in his office, so he trudged downstairs to check the power boxes in the closet of a back room on the lower level. The unfurnished offices below were for rent, but he has a key. When he let himself in, he heard scuffling sounds in the vacated rooms and went to investigate: in separate spaces, he discovered a man and a woman, hastily zipping their trousers. The unexpectedness and abrupt indignity of the situation startled him and it took a few moments for him to fully recognize what he had interrupted. He promptly addressed his business and returned to the upper landing to observe what would happen next.

The man emerged first: hunching from the rooms, he tried to casually make an apprehensive dash for the front doors. He looked searchingly to left and right, then retreated to the passenger seat of a convenient car and partially concealed his down-turned face with a gesture. Soon the woman materialized, locking the door behind her. After a glance to either side, she strutted from the building and made her languorous entrance into the driver’s seat of her vehicle. The businessman, aware who had possession of each of the three keys to his building, watched from above as the car pulled away. Neither party looked up.

This story is no comedy; it is, unfortunately, a tragedy being recast and broadcast everywhere—as if the female real estate agent, the most unprofessional Professional imaginable (define it how you may) is somehow our Modern heroine! She takes mankind for rides in her motor car, employing herself in the money-grubbing business of selling, renting, and extending liberties in rooms of all descriptions: because she is driving—because she sets the terms—this is Freedom. The feminized world professes—it sings, whispers, shouts, and acts out in a million derivative episodes—that such perversion in Woman is good, right, and Holy. Sisters, this is a lie.

Have you had time to wonder what happened to idealistic Minister Marsha? Sadly, I don’t know where she is now. People loved her sermons and Sister Smith and I saw her service in action, especially as she tried to motivate the young people of Lyme. Marsha seemed nice and friendly to us, but when we baptized an inactive member of her congregation she became (in proper New Hampshire lingo) “wicked ugly.” A few months after we left, Sister Smith received a letter from the lady deacon and learned that Marsha was no longer with them: she had “moved in” with a fellow from Thetford, across the river. “We wish her well,” the neighbor remarked with characteristic briskness. I do, too—but I also know that many precious things were lost when Marsha abandoned her Profession.

Korihor, the talented Anti-Christ of Alma 30, led away “many women, and also men, to commit whoredoms—telling them that when a man was dead, that was the end thereof” (verse 18). Korihor liberally applied such mocking epithets as “foolish,”  “derangement,” and “frenzied,” to cast doubt on the doctrine of Christ, Christian lifestyles and traditions, the idea that any can know the future, and the concept of sin: this continues to be the treatment modern professors of Christ persistently receive from the world. Do we allow peer pressure to make us ashamed to believe and act in virtue, according to our professions? The building's owner observed that both the woman and the man were worried who would see them, but they did not look Up. Do we? We who profess to know or to want to know Christ; do we look to Him? Are we willing to heed the gentle whisperings from the Spirit or from the Divinity within us that leads us in the path of holiness and love? Killing that Spirit is not only madness, it is suicide: our eternal life is at stake, as is our precious time in mortality.

God truly perceives and discerns us—and others do, too, whether we notice or not. Your professions, made through covenants, are open invitations to others to mark and follow—and they do. Like it or not, what is in your heart will be known of your fruits, just as you will be known by them: are the good words you say hollow professions, or will the people in your life (particularly your children) be influenced for good by your righteous integrity? The work to become as Christ and to bring souls to Him for salvation is, after all, the business of Motherhood and the true profession of Woman.

The doctrine of modern Korihors is not really very hopeful: his groupies accept that there is nothing Ultimate and nobody knows anything in advance: life is a lonely concert with you gasping out an interminable jazz solo, made up as you go along—all for the remote chance of a little applause. That dogma, though popular, is false; it is decidedly good news that we can see ahead and don’t have to make our own way by trial and error. Though a woman often staggers to piece together the incomplete puzzle of her life without its box top, there is a template to follow: Christ is the prototype: God has given us His pattern and, piece by piece, He helps us discover, create, and put things together the Right Way, so the beauty of our lives can emerge Complete and Whole.

Make no mistake, Sisters: we are in a war, waged on many fronts. Happily, the professors of Truth have been promised victory in the ultimate battle against wickedness and error in our day. If we have any secret weapon that will not fail, I envision it as charity, the pure love of Christ: “And above all things,” we are told in scripture, “clothe yourselves with the bond of charity, as with a mantle, which is the bond of perfectness and peace”(Doctrine and Covenants 88:125). A mantle is a cloak or robe, worn by paupers, prophets, priests, and queens; it is used for warmth and for decoration and for a token of authority; a clean mantle protects and magnifies the light in a lamp; it is also a military shield or device used to invisibly cloak and defend something precious. Charity—Christ’s pure and perfect and peaceable love—is our mantle.

How can women use charity to uniquely and gloriously stand firm in these final battles? What is our God-ordained profession in this war? Though you may perceive the vision differently, I will try to share a glimpse of what I see: our front is an impenetrable line of obedient women, courageously calling to our charges like so many steadfast hens; united and cloaked in a power and love that our enemy cannot conceive or comprehend, we peaceably encourage and support one another. In hostility’s darkness, all is dim: the swaddled robes that shield in light and warmth and safety are indistinct amidst the whirlwind confusion of the End. Betimes emerge warriors, visionary and valiant; their armor of faith has been carefully forged and fitted for the fray in the Place where the enemy’s spies of rebellion have been banished. And when dawns the awaited Morning, the glories of our many-splendored robes are revealed in all their hand-worked variety and majesty, welcoming into light and warmth and peace the warriors of other fronts. By extension, your mantle of charity is Home: these spaces of influence about us are the rooms we create to nourish and preserve life: they protect that for which the wounded and weary warriors willingly bleed out their days: this is where and how we nurture humanity’s hope in Hope.

I close with one plea of God’s latter-day prophets:

I beg of you, you who could and should be bearing and rearing a family: Wives, come home from the typewriter, the laundry, the nursing, come home from the factory, the cafe. No career approaches in importance that of wife, homemaker, mother--cooking meals, washing dishes, making beds for one's precious husband and children. Come home, wives, to your husbands. Make home a heaven for them. Come home, wives, to your children, born and unborn. Wrap the motherly cloak about you and, unembarrassed, help in a major role to create the bodies for the immortal souls who anxiously await.

When you have fully complemented your husband in home life and borne the children, growing up full of faith, integrity, responsibility, and goodness, then you have achieved your accomplishment supreme, without peer, and you will be the envy [of all] through time and eternity (Spencer W. Kimball, San Antonio Fireside, Dec. 3, 1977; quoted by Ezra Taft Benson, Fireside for Parents, 22 February 1987).


May you find lasting joy in your professions for God and in God’s Professions for Women.

Photos from sxc.hu and from LDS online photos and from the movie, The Errand Of Angels.  Sxc photos used courtesy of Janet Burgess, Nick Benjaminsz, pear83, Griszka Niewiadomski, bvasquez, Victor Zuydweg, Lori Jesseman, Kristy McCaskill, Egalo Palo.  The missionary photo included is not of Sister Smith and me, and the pictured church is not the actual building in Lyme or in Lyme Center.