Consecrated Marriage

I knew when I married him that my husband was a man who loved Jesus Christ and was willing to serve Him.  That is what I was looking for, after all.  Because he was committed to keeping all of God's commandments, I knew I could trust my husband and support him.

From the start, my husband has been given opportunities to serve in time-consuming callings of responsibility.  We had two preschoolers when he was called to serve as the second counselor to our new bishop.  This meant at least fourteen hours away from home on Sundays, in addition to at least two weeknights out each week, monthly camp-outs and a week-long scouting adventure each year.  His work was nearly an hour away; he owned a fledgling company which required a lot of his attention and brought in money sparingly and sporadically.  He was also taking evening classes to complete a degree, which took whatever spare time he had.  With a miscarriage immediately followed by children twelve months apart, this was not an easy time for me and I confess that, despite his loving efforts, I sometimes felt abandoned.  I know it was difficult for him, too.

I received a flash of revelation one year, as I listened to General Conference.  This came during the Statistical Report, not a usual time for great epiphanies!  As the thousands of wards, branches, districts, stakes, and temples were enumerated, I started to recognize that each of these had four or five families who were impacted the way mine was -- and every few years, people changed callings, so (theoretically) everyone took turns!  I realized that, even though my husband had never sought opportunities to lead in our church community, he -- and I -- had volunteered years before, when we deliberately chose to lead Christ-directed, consecrated lives; if God wouldn't want him, I realized, I wouldn't either.  I had chosen him because he wanted to follow God, and I could not blame God for calling on him -- or on me to willingly offer Him the most precious thing I had or hoped to have:  time with my husband.

This helped alter my attitude to one of genuine rejoicing in each phase of my husband's ministry.  Since that dawning, eighteen years ago, I can honestly say that I have had opportunities to try again and demonstrate that I have truly changed.  I know that my attitudes, whatever my words might be, will profoundly influence each of my children, whether they are sons or daughters; I cannot fake honest appreciation for the blessings of my husband's opportunies to serve.  There have been inconveniences, for sure (nobody plans their suicide with the bishop's dinner schedule in mind), but the blessings of marriage to a godly man far outweigh any possible downsides.

All photos courtesy of sxc.hu.

Metamorphosis Into Mother

I recently met a young mother, in the last weeks of pregnancy with her third child.  It had been an act of faith to invite this baby; the difficult emotional challenges she had faced with her first two had caused her to question her decision to marry and stay home with her previous children.  She had worried that these difficulties had been caused by marrying too young, or by otherwise being unprepared for motherhood; her marriage had suffered as she had struggled.  She happily reported that she was eagerly anticipating the birth of her third child and wished that she had experienced similarly joyful emotions with the births of her two older sons.

The details of this woman's story may be unique, but the experience is common to many.  The pain experienced as we make the transition into motherhood cannot fully be explained away by hormones, since women who adopt experience many of the same challenges.  I have observed women who returned to work shortly after giving birth express disgust with the "wimpiness" of their sisters or neighbors who have chosen to remain at home with children; when it became "financially wise" to stay home with their own children, they were unprepared for the struggles inherent in the experience.   I have seen women from many walks of life seek a variety of ways to escape the pain that they do not understand or try to explain away with blame for others, their choices, or for the teachings of parents or religious leaders -- and I have seen the miracle of transformation in the lives of those who have chosen to faithfully embrace this opportunity to develop their unique, feminine gifts to become mothers in the most true and beautiful sense of the word.

Before she ever bore children, Adam identified Eve with a title that expressed her Motherhood.  This fact, along with observation of numerous women through the decades of my life, indicates to me that motherhood is not automatically equated with maternity, though the loving nurturing of children may be the most common route to achieve it.

Like the transformative metamorphosis which creates a butterfly, Motherhood requires effort and it is not always comfortable.  We would naturally expect discomfort for the caterpillar in its cocoon; becoming all that motherhood requires is an even greater change.  We are best able to become as we understand, accept, and embrace all that such a metamorphosis requires, without reeling as if we are undergoing cruel and unusual punishment.



All photos courtesy of sxc.hu.

Math Over Mother?

This spring, our two younger daughters participated in a seminar in science and math, geared to girls.  Before we left for our hour-long drive to the host college, my husband gently warned them to watch for even subtle messages discouraging them from motherhood, in favor of a technology-based career.  We set out, fresh and enthusiastic; they were hopeful that the classes they had selected would be all they had anticipated.  I also spent the day in town, doing handwork and reading in a quiet place. 

When we met after their activity, the girls seemed eager to escape the campus.  Even before the car door closed, the first thing they wanted to talk about was the overt, anti-motherhood message.  "I was shocked," the older one blurted out, "I had expected that they would at least mask it a little!  But the very first thing they did was have us all listen to some lady tell us that her job is the most fulfilling part of her life and that her husband and children just have to understand that they are her second priority!"

The fact that the keynote speaker was not very eloquent had not enhanced her agenda with my daughters, who saw her address as too cliche to be taken seriously.  But there were likely many who still believe the lie that girls are routinely denied access to education and jobs in math and science -- and who want to believe that they will find greater satisfaction in the work-force than may be found in creating a home.  The reality is that there are many opportunities for girls who have even moderate interest in these fields, but that the most noble and fulfilling of all professions for a woman is that of a wife and mother. 

Don't misunderstand:  this is not an attack on education in general or math in particular.   We encourage our daughters (as well as our sons) to pursue their educational interests:  in addition to the educational accomplishments of our very bright sons, our oldest daughter is starting her third year of college as a math major and our second girl has been very successful in the biological sciences in high school.  Each child -- whether son or daughter -- needs to consider the impact of his decisions on his future family and choose carefully; our oldest daughter decided to go into math in an effort to bless the lives of her future children and our oldest son has abandoned his youthful dreams of a military career (or as a cowboy, riding the range,) because of the negative impact it would likely have on his future family.

Come to think of it, what is the value of math, anyway?  Contrary to the silly or thoughtless answers we sometimes give our children ("You have to do this so you'll know how to help your children when they have questions with their homework!"), math is a shorthand that helps strip away the extraneous details of our problems to exercise the logical, problem-solving part of our brains. 

In addition to the practical needs we each have for arithmetic, measuring, and estimation; math skills help us think clearly, to wade through deceit and come to decisions based on absolutes (or at least solutions effectively based on the Givens).  We all need the skills math can hone, whether our current issue is political, social, or physical -- perhaps especially mothers.  Math and motherhood should not be an "either/or" proposition:  it's not, if we put our families first.