Fulfulling Personal Missions

It doesn't take having more than two to figure out that each child is different, coming to this existence with individual talents, interests, weaknesses and strengths.  Each of these is valuable in helping the child prepare for and fulfill his personal mission.

As a mother, I talk openly about my children's personal missions, though I do not have a clear picture of the mission of each child from the outset:  my role is to give each child the foundation and the skills to discover and do what God sent him to do.  I believe that when a person is following the Spirit and doing his best, he is either preparing for or is accomplishing his personal mission.

It is not always possible to tell whether we are in preparation mode or fulfillment mode!  Many of the Founding Fathers had success in multiple careers to prepare them for the specific roles for which they are remembered.  Our children may likewise need a variety of skills and experiences -- including disappointments and apparent failures -- in order to ultimately succeed in their life missions.  While this article focuses mainly on what our children learn and do, what they become is even more important; a person's character colors all his acts and leads to success or failure in accomplishing anything -- including his personal mission.

Developing talents and working hard.  What can a mother do to prepare her children for success in their personal missions?  Helping them to identify and develop talents and interests is an obvious motherly role, though mothers should remember that the brain's capacity to develop continues throughout life and all is not lost if a child does not develop every possible talent before leaving for college.  Helping children learn to recognize development opportunities and to work diligently may be better than becoming a drill sergeant and seeing to it that they develop the skills we value.

Educational foundation.  Teaching children to read, write and do math and giving them a context for their skills helps children prepare for the life missions to follow.  Parents are stewards and are accountable for these skills, even when we delegate them to others.  Helping children learn to learn gives them autonomy, now and later. 

Social development.  Providing social opportunities and helping our children develop tools to navigate among humanity is valuable, no matter what direction a child's personal mission takes him.

Defense Mode.  Sometimes a parent is required to protect a child from situations that sabotage opportunities to fulfill his personal mission.  Years ago, when one of our children was feeling pressured to make an early commitment to the military, we discussed with him what he already knew about his future and asked him to evaluate if his proposed course would be likely to lead him there.  Putting his options in context with his personal life mission helped him identify his motivations and make better long-range personal decisions.

Personal connection with God.  The most important thing a mother can do in guiding children to fulfill their personal missions is to help them develop their own connections to God.  As children gain confidence in seeking and acting on answers from the One who knows all Truth, they will know the course of their personal lives is in harmony with His will for them.  This helps them navigate storms and maintain humility in success.

Talking Over the Red Flags

The bride was a girl in her later twenties, in the process of completing doctoral studies in research science.  The groom, a handsome mill worker who encouraged his fiancee in her studies and agreed that any future children would be raised in her protestant faith, seemed an ideal companion to her.

Two months after the wedding, any commonalities seemed to have evaporated:  the husband decided he valued his own religion and was frustrated that his bossy, overbearing wife and her stuffy colleagues looked down on him; the wife wondered that there could be a man with so little ambition.  The divorce was quick and final.

If only this couple could have had some warning!  You saw it in two sentences, from 25 years away -- why couldn't they?

I was in my late teens when I viewed this experience from the perspective of the bride's mother, my co-worker.  She talked with me about the warning signs from the start; yet she worked for months to prepare her daughter's wedding, expecting things to fall apart at any moment.  She loved her daughter, whom she knew would need a mother's support when the relationship disintegrated.  At the time, I wondered that my friend did not feel she could warn her adult daughter.

The best time to open discussions on how to recognize potential warning signs comes before a person is in a relationship; once a person has committed to a course of action, pride and human nature make it hard for them to accept other points of view, for that would mean admitting they have been Wrong.  For some reason, once we get to a certain point, many of us are committed to the pain that we probably already know is likely, as if we expect that drastic measures -- like a divorce -- are more acceptable than rational course corrections along the way.  Engrossing as it might be to watch, a Soap Opera life is not a happy one!

Long before our children are old enough to date, we have family discussions about patterns in human relations -- and the warning signs we term Red Flags.  Some discussions are formal ones around the dining table; others emerge informally as children bring up observations of and difficulties with friends.  Movies and books provide excellent examples for instruction, for they are crafted with foreshadowing cues that we can learn to recognize and replay without gossiping about family, friends and neighbors.  The Red Flags are not usually definitive markers; we think of them as clues to prompt understanding and further examination of a person's character.  Sometimes I role play with my children to help them recognize what the Flags look and sound like and to explore ways they may be handled with dignity and love.

Just what sort of clues are we looking for?  The following list of possible Red Flags is by no means exhaustive; it is suggested to prompt pondering and discussion on your own experience.

Unity of Goals and Expectations.  The striking differences highlighted in the story of my friend's daughter show the importance of common ground.  Factors such as age, education, race, religion, socio-economic background, nationality and cultural or family tradition are not necessarily better or wrong, but they strongly influence the identity and values of a person.  No matter how similar the upbringings of two people are, they will have differences; it is best to Flag and address the commonalities and differences in advance.  My mother-in-law told me that she and her husband never disagreed on anything -- until they had children.  Like the groom above who had decided their differences meant nothing, there may come a point where you discover your values really matter to you.  If you have made choices based on those values, they will likely be the values that also matter to your spouse.

Manipulation.  Even young children note discomfort when friends try to manipulate their actions and emotions.  Fourth- and fifth-grade girls are particularly notorious manipulators, so it pays to help children recognize the Red Flags of manipulation early and learn to deal with them in healthy ways before they become involved with a manipulative date or spouse.  Warning Flags include sneakiness, secrecy and  dishonesty ("Nobody ever needs to know!").  Exclusivity and other forms of flattery ("I just act this way because I like having you around so much!") may seem to justify what feels wrong, but the imagined good feeling is short lived and carries a sting.  The Red Flags may be the aftertaste feelings that come with being manipulated.  No matter when it emerges, it is important to be able to recognize manipulation for what it is and learn to deal with it appropriately -- and that may mean having the courage to run away.

Worldliness and Rebellion.  As our children consider possible dates, they are encouraged to pay attention to the Costume Clues that might tip them off to attitudes that would destroy a marriage.  Hairstyles and colors that push the boundaries of modesty or articles of clothing that identify with drug culture ("I just don't do well with authority!") are big Red Flags; so are expensive or overly trendy clothes or electronics.  Our son noted his discomfort with a date's enthusiasm over his nice used car as a Red Flag -- and I noticed that he got rid of the car, too.  Our daughter was concerned with the preoccupation one body-builder boyfriend had with his physique: she might well wonder about the effects of aging and childbirth on their long-term relationship.

Relationships With Family Members.  The way a man treats his mother can be considered the prequel to the way his wife will be treated, for people fall into the patterns they know.  Examine your friend's part in his family dynamics for clues to his character.  My mother noted my crush on a cute neighbor boy and pointedly asked what I thought about becoming a part of his family.  I had seen his mother in action -- and that Red Flag was the end of it.  While in college, my daughter accepted a date with a young man whom she noticed was nice to her and rude to others; this alerted her that his behavior was a temporary measure, put on to impress her.  She was not impressed.

Morality.  Dishonesty, no matter how small it seems, is a glaring Flag.  Pornography is a deal-breaker.  Immodesty, an outward sign of an immoral heart, warns the wise the way a foghorn proclaims that dangerous shoals lurk beneath.  Immorality in all its forms is corrosive to character and destroys love.

As a mother, I felt a mixture of emotions when my son recently returned from a date and reported that his childhood friend had been dressed immodestly and that he would no longer consider dating her because of the way she dressed.  I was thankful that he could recognize the Flag, but also disappointed for them both.

Parents love their children and feel an obligation to support them in the decisions they make, whether or not they feel those choices are in a child's best interest.  Sadly, after a person has chosen a companion, it is all but impossible for his parents to rationally discuss with him the liabilities of their relationship.  Teaching children in advance to recognize Red Flags equips them to make better choices and provides common ground for discussing challenges in terms of patterns, rather than making such discussion into a subjective battle or a personal attack on anyone's choices or character.  As decisions are informed by awareness of patterns, everyone is more likely to find a happy Ever After.

All photos from sxc.hu.

Helping Him Provide

More than twenty years ago my husband and I purchased our first house.  We had just welcomed our second child when we moved into this brand new subdivision.  Most of our neighbors were in the same situation; our commonalities made it easy to form many lasting friendships.

One of my first friends in the new community was a lovely younger woman with one son born halfway between my two children.  She was friendly and gentle, a good manager and a good influence.  Both our husbands worked extended hours, an hour down the freeway (in opposite directions); neither of us regularly had a car at our disposal during the day.  Money was tight, but we had lots of happy time with our children and we lived only a few houses apart.  She and I enjoyed time together nearly every day.

My friend had earlier worked as a computer programmer, supporting the family while her husband finished college.  She was committed to motherhood, though; she had determined in advance to stay home with her children once he graduated.  I saw her as an attentive mother and a devoted wife.

Every so often, this friend would receive a call begging her to return to work at increased pay.  Her husband was a talented artist and a hard worker, often taking side jobs so their family could make improvements on their new home; I knew it would have been easy for her to justify returning to work, since this could relieve financial pressures.  Despite this, my friend continued at home with their son (and with their daughters, as they eventually came), managing their resources, providing a clean and beautiful home and attentively providing a wide variety of opportunities and experiences for the whole family, while her husband continued taking extra jobs.

I recall one time where the renewed offer would have allowed my friend to earn more than her husband was making -- and at part-time hours!  I was amazed that she could decline, for I knew money was tight.   As I continued to observe her and ponder on the things she shared, however, I became increasingly conscious that she was giving her husband the chance-of-a-lifetime opportunity to really be the Provider for their family:  though it was not easy, she was providing the support he needed to act in his God-ordained role.

Like many of our neighbors, I was living the principle at the same time; still, I received powerful insight about helping a husband exercise his masculine role in a family by observing this friend.  Many of the complaints women make about men -- and many of the social ills of our time -- have roots in the fact that women often use their capabilities to displace men as they communicate that men are not needed for anything permanent or significant.

My own husband was working double-time to build a company and was also serving in the church and taking classes to finish a college degree.  I could see how, if I were to try to lighten his load by providing financially for our family when he was fully capable, my husband could easily get the message that his diligent efforts weren't necessary.  I knew my husband was making genuine sacrifices to build something valuable because he had to support our family -- and it was worth his manly efforts.  If I shouldered his burden it would rob him of the impetus he needed to carry on, and he might even abandon the very burdens he needed to develop his talents and his character.

Because I had no former employer courting my expertise, it might be easy to dismiss my choice to remain home and raise my children as one made by default, by failing to choose Anything Else; the same cannot be said of my friend.  Hers was definitely a conscious choice, and it was sometimes a hard one.  Because she was organized and efficient, her housework was easily completed.  Children did not come easily or in her choice of timing.  She may have been bored or discouraged as she lived daily with her decision, but that decision has had a lasting impact, by any standard used to measure a person's influence for good.

I am thankful for the example of my capable friend, who continues to creatively use her talents to best support her husband -- by giving him the Real Life chance to be the Provider for their family.




Photos from sxc.hu.