Helping Him Provide

More than twenty years ago my husband and I purchased our first house.  We had just welcomed our second child when we moved into this brand new subdivision.  Most of our neighbors were in the same situation; our commonalities made it easy to form many lasting friendships.

One of my first friends in the new community was a lovely younger woman with one son born halfway between my two children.  She was friendly and gentle, a good manager and a good influence.  Both our husbands worked extended hours, an hour down the freeway (in opposite directions); neither of us regularly had a car at our disposal during the day.  Money was tight, but we had lots of happy time with our children and we lived only a few houses apart.  She and I enjoyed time together nearly every day.

My friend had earlier worked as a computer programmer, supporting the family while her husband finished college.  She was committed to motherhood, though; she had determined in advance to stay home with her children once he graduated.  I saw her as an attentive mother and a devoted wife.

Every so often, this friend would receive a call begging her to return to work at increased pay.  Her husband was a talented artist and a hard worker, often taking side jobs so their family could make improvements on their new home; I knew it would have been easy for her to justify returning to work, since this could relieve financial pressures.  Despite this, my friend continued at home with their son (and with their daughters, as they eventually came), managing their resources, providing a clean and beautiful home and attentively providing a wide variety of opportunities and experiences for the whole family, while her husband continued taking extra jobs.

I recall one time where the renewed offer would have allowed my friend to earn more than her husband was making -- and at part-time hours!  I was amazed that she could decline, for I knew money was tight.   As I continued to observe her and ponder on the things she shared, however, I became increasingly conscious that she was giving her husband the chance-of-a-lifetime opportunity to really be the Provider for their family:  though it was not easy, she was providing the support he needed to act in his God-ordained role.

Like many of our neighbors, I was living the principle at the same time; still, I received powerful insight about helping a husband exercise his masculine role in a family by observing this friend.  Many of the complaints women make about men -- and many of the social ills of our time -- have roots in the fact that women often use their capabilities to displace men as they communicate that men are not needed for anything permanent or significant.

My own husband was working double-time to build a company and was also serving in the church and taking classes to finish a college degree.  I could see how, if I were to try to lighten his load by providing financially for our family when he was fully capable, my husband could easily get the message that his diligent efforts weren't necessary.  I knew my husband was making genuine sacrifices to build something valuable because he had to support our family -- and it was worth his manly efforts.  If I shouldered his burden it would rob him of the impetus he needed to carry on, and he might even abandon the very burdens he needed to develop his talents and his character.

Because I had no former employer courting my expertise, it might be easy to dismiss my choice to remain home and raise my children as one made by default, by failing to choose Anything Else; the same cannot be said of my friend.  Hers was definitely a conscious choice, and it was sometimes a hard one.  Because she was organized and efficient, her housework was easily completed.  Children did not come easily or in her choice of timing.  She may have been bored or discouraged as she lived daily with her decision, but that decision has had a lasting impact, by any standard used to measure a person's influence for good.

I am thankful for the example of my capable friend, who continues to creatively use her talents to best support her husband -- by giving him the Real Life chance to be the Provider for their family.




Photos from sxc.hu.