Talking Over the Red Flags

The bride was a girl in her later twenties, in the process of completing doctoral studies in research science.  The groom, a handsome mill worker who encouraged his fiancee in her studies and agreed that any future children would be raised in her protestant faith, seemed an ideal companion to her.

Two months after the wedding, any commonalities seemed to have evaporated:  the husband decided he valued his own religion and was frustrated that his bossy, overbearing wife and her stuffy colleagues looked down on him; the wife wondered that there could be a man with so little ambition.  The divorce was quick and final.

If only this couple could have had some warning!  You saw it in two sentences, from 25 years away -- why couldn't they?

I was in my late teens when I viewed this experience from the perspective of the bride's mother, my co-worker.  She talked with me about the warning signs from the start; yet she worked for months to prepare her daughter's wedding, expecting things to fall apart at any moment.  She loved her daughter, whom she knew would need a mother's support when the relationship disintegrated.  At the time, I wondered that my friend did not feel she could warn her adult daughter.

The best time to open discussions on how to recognize potential warning signs comes before a person is in a relationship; once a person has committed to a course of action, pride and human nature make it hard for them to accept other points of view, for that would mean admitting they have been Wrong.  For some reason, once we get to a certain point, many of us are committed to the pain that we probably already know is likely, as if we expect that drastic measures -- like a divorce -- are more acceptable than rational course corrections along the way.  Engrossing as it might be to watch, a Soap Opera life is not a happy one!

Long before our children are old enough to date, we have family discussions about patterns in human relations -- and the warning signs we term Red Flags.  Some discussions are formal ones around the dining table; others emerge informally as children bring up observations of and difficulties with friends.  Movies and books provide excellent examples for instruction, for they are crafted with foreshadowing cues that we can learn to recognize and replay without gossiping about family, friends and neighbors.  The Red Flags are not usually definitive markers; we think of them as clues to prompt understanding and further examination of a person's character.  Sometimes I role play with my children to help them recognize what the Flags look and sound like and to explore ways they may be handled with dignity and love.

Just what sort of clues are we looking for?  The following list of possible Red Flags is by no means exhaustive; it is suggested to prompt pondering and discussion on your own experience.

Unity of Goals and Expectations.  The striking differences highlighted in the story of my friend's daughter show the importance of common ground.  Factors such as age, education, race, religion, socio-economic background, nationality and cultural or family tradition are not necessarily better or wrong, but they strongly influence the identity and values of a person.  No matter how similar the upbringings of two people are, they will have differences; it is best to Flag and address the commonalities and differences in advance.  My mother-in-law told me that she and her husband never disagreed on anything -- until they had children.  Like the groom above who had decided their differences meant nothing, there may come a point where you discover your values really matter to you.  If you have made choices based on those values, they will likely be the values that also matter to your spouse.

Manipulation.  Even young children note discomfort when friends try to manipulate their actions and emotions.  Fourth- and fifth-grade girls are particularly notorious manipulators, so it pays to help children recognize the Red Flags of manipulation early and learn to deal with them in healthy ways before they become involved with a manipulative date or spouse.  Warning Flags include sneakiness, secrecy and  dishonesty ("Nobody ever needs to know!").  Exclusivity and other forms of flattery ("I just act this way because I like having you around so much!") may seem to justify what feels wrong, but the imagined good feeling is short lived and carries a sting.  The Red Flags may be the aftertaste feelings that come with being manipulated.  No matter when it emerges, it is important to be able to recognize manipulation for what it is and learn to deal with it appropriately -- and that may mean having the courage to run away.

Worldliness and Rebellion.  As our children consider possible dates, they are encouraged to pay attention to the Costume Clues that might tip them off to attitudes that would destroy a marriage.  Hairstyles and colors that push the boundaries of modesty or articles of clothing that identify with drug culture ("I just don't do well with authority!") are big Red Flags; so are expensive or overly trendy clothes or electronics.  Our son noted his discomfort with a date's enthusiasm over his nice used car as a Red Flag -- and I noticed that he got rid of the car, too.  Our daughter was concerned with the preoccupation one body-builder boyfriend had with his physique: she might well wonder about the effects of aging and childbirth on their long-term relationship.

Relationships With Family Members.  The way a man treats his mother can be considered the prequel to the way his wife will be treated, for people fall into the patterns they know.  Examine your friend's part in his family dynamics for clues to his character.  My mother noted my crush on a cute neighbor boy and pointedly asked what I thought about becoming a part of his family.  I had seen his mother in action -- and that Red Flag was the end of it.  While in college, my daughter accepted a date with a young man whom she noticed was nice to her and rude to others; this alerted her that his behavior was a temporary measure, put on to impress her.  She was not impressed.

Morality.  Dishonesty, no matter how small it seems, is a glaring Flag.  Pornography is a deal-breaker.  Immodesty, an outward sign of an immoral heart, warns the wise the way a foghorn proclaims that dangerous shoals lurk beneath.  Immorality in all its forms is corrosive to character and destroys love.

As a mother, I felt a mixture of emotions when my son recently returned from a date and reported that his childhood friend had been dressed immodestly and that he would no longer consider dating her because of the way she dressed.  I was thankful that he could recognize the Flag, but also disappointed for them both.

Parents love their children and feel an obligation to support them in the decisions they make, whether or not they feel those choices are in a child's best interest.  Sadly, after a person has chosen a companion, it is all but impossible for his parents to rationally discuss with him the liabilities of their relationship.  Teaching children in advance to recognize Red Flags equips them to make better choices and provides common ground for discussing challenges in terms of patterns, rather than making such discussion into a subjective battle or a personal attack on anyone's choices or character.  As decisions are informed by awareness of patterns, everyone is more likely to find a happy Ever After.

All photos from sxc.hu.