
Two months after the wedding, any commonalities seemed to have evaporated: the husband decided he valued his own religion and was frustrated that his bossy, overbearing wife and her stuffy colleagues looked down on him; the wife wondered that there could be a man with so little ambition. The divorce was quick and final.
If only this couple could have had some warning! You saw it in two sentences, from 25 years away -- why couldn't they?
I was in my late teens when I viewed this experience from the perspective of the bride's mother, my co-worker. She talked with me about the warning signs from the start; yet she worked for months to prepare her daughter's wedding, expecting things to fall apart at any moment. She loved her daughter, whom she knew would need a mother's support when the relationship disintegrated. At the time, I wondered that my friend did not feel she could warn her adult daughter.

Long before our children are old enough to date, we have family discussions about patterns in human relations -- and the warning signs we term Red Flags. Some discussions are formal ones around the dining table; others emerge informally as children bring up observations of and difficulties with friends. Movies and books provide excellent examples for instruction, for they are crafted with foreshadowing cues that we can learn to recognize and replay without gossiping about family, friends and neighbors. The Red Flags are not usually definitive markers; we think of them as clues to prompt understanding and further examination of a person's character. Sometimes I role play with my children to help them recognize what the Flags look and sound like and to explore ways they may be handled with dignity and love.

Unity of Goals and Expectations. The striking differences highlighted in the story of my friend's daughter show the importance of common ground. Factors such as age, education, race, religion, socio-economic background, nationality and cultural or family tradition are not necessarily better or wrong, but they strongly influence the identity and values of a person. No matter how similar the upbringings of two people are, they will have differences; it is best to Flag and address the commonalities and differences in advance. My mother-in-law told me that she and her husband never disagreed on anything -- until they had children. Like the groom above who had decided their differences meant nothing, there may come a point where you discover your values really matter to you. If you have made choices based on those values, they will likely be the values that also matter to your spouse.


Relationships With Family Members. The way a man treats his mother can be considered the prequel to the way his wife will be treated, for people fall into the patterns they know. Examine your friend's part in his family dynamics for clues to his character. My mother noted my crush on a cute neighbor boy and pointedly asked what I thought about becoming a part of his family. I had seen his mother in action -- and that Red Flag was the end of it. While in college, my daughter accepted a date with a young man whom she noticed was nice to her and rude to others; this alerted her that his behavior was a temporary measure, put on to impress her. She was not impressed.

As a mother, I felt a mixture of emotions when my son recently returned from a date and reported that his childhood friend had been dressed immodestly and that he would no longer consider dating her because of the way she dressed. I was thankful that he could recognize the Flag, but also disappointed for them both.
Parents love their children and feel an obligation to support them in the decisions they make, whether or not they feel those choices are in a child's best interest. Sadly, after a person has chosen a companion, it is all but impossible for his parents to rationally discuss with him the liabilities of their relationship. Teaching children in advance to recognize Red Flags equips them to make better choices and provides common ground for discussing challenges in terms of patterns, rather than making such discussion into a subjective battle or a personal attack on anyone's choices or character. As decisions are informed by awareness of patterns, everyone is more likely to find a happy Ever After.
All photos from sxc.hu.
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