Defining -- Without Being Defined By -- Successes and Failures

A couple of decades ago I was sitting in a class where The Family: A Proclamation to the World was being discussed.  Our lesson was on a particular sentence: Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. 

As the lesson was announced, one neighbor raised her hand and took issue with the first word in this hopeful sentence.  "I disagree with the use of the word successful," she said, "because the idea of success implies that some families are not successful, that they are failures."

Frankly, I had never thought of it that way.  As I considered her comment, I realized that my neighbor had a different situation than I did, and she was speaking from her own experiences and fears.  What I, a mother with preschoolers and babies, had taken as an encouraging pattern for my young family was a source of pain for her, with her four challenging teenagers!

What follows is a collection of some of the thoughts I have had as I have pondered on the use of the word success through the years, particularly as it applies to families and motherhood.  As my children have grown and I have come face to face with my own inadequacies and with the painful choices of others, this comment has served as a reminder that the difficulties of life don't define me or my family as failures -- and that apparent ease or accomplishments don't define us as successes.

God defines success.  The Proclamation comes to us from God, through His authorized servants; He has the right to use the word as He will and we are bound by His definition.  Through His Spirit, He also defines success for us individually, without regard to our neighbors' successes or failures.  I would consider my grandmother, who grew up as the daughter of a bootlegger during the Prohibition, a success -- even if all she did was clear out drug and alcohol use from our family.  Grandma was a hard worker who set an example of temple service and keeping her marriage covenants.  She developed a variety of talents and helped her children cultivate them, too.  Grandma expected her children to refine themselves and to make the world a better and more beautiful place.  She taught them to worship God and made sure they attended church and served their neighbors.  In a single generation, Grandma changed our family tree.  Personally, I have a heritage to live up to -- and I know God expects me to work at least as hard as she did, though my challenges are different than hers.  I honor those who do for their families what Grandma did for mine, and I am confident that their posterity will consider them successful the way I consider her a success for building a foundation of Christian living.  Grandma turned to God and He helped her succeed.  Surely He will do the same for us!

Keep trying.  Successful people learn by continuing to practice, even when they initially fail -- and especially if they initially succeed.  In Mindset, Carol Dweck highlights many of the pitfalls of the common "fixed mindset," which entrenches the idea that "smart" or "talented" people are successful without effort and that hard work is for the lame Rest-Of-Us who Just Don't Have It.  This mindset causes people to label and limit themselves after only a short period of time, refusing to continue to try to grow if they don't succeed or to decline the risk of making mistakes once they have achieved some measure of accomplishment.  People with the "growth mindset," on the other hand, realize that they are growing stronger as they try; any  struggles or situational failures show what doesn't work and pave the way for future successes. 

Since reading this book, I have changed the way I praise and encourage my children:  I want them to value their own efforts and recognize their progress, rather than expect themselves never to make mistakes.  I certainly want them to know that my acceptance is not based on whether or not they succeed at something and that failing doesn't make a person a failure, any more than succeeding means they have never or will never fail.  Success comes as we become better, not as we never make any mistakes.

Apologize.  We can succeed at being humble and taking responsibility for our own weaknesses.  My children (and husband) are remarkably forgiving as I confess my faults and ask their forgiveness for offenses, even if they were unintended.  I have learned not to make excuses:  following an apology with "but..." negates the whole thing.  Accept and apologize for what's yours and leave the rest alone. If correction is needed, offer it separately.  A loving example of humility is more likely to promote understanding than almost anything else, because it will bring God's Spirit, one big measure of success.

Am I a successful mother?  Ultimately, time will tell, but maybe not in my lifetime.  In the meantime, I can try to have "happiness in family life...founded upon the teachings of the Lord, Jesus Christ" and work to establish and maintain our family "on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."



Photos from sxc.hu.  Used courtesy of Alex Woodhouse, Adriana Herbut and sunshizzle.

Do It Yourself?

One of the challenges of parenting a toddler is the frustration that comes as the child decides to take charge of his own life.  It is a natural thing -- and a good one -- for a person to move towards autonomy:  this drive leads to walking, toilet training, speaking, self-dressing and a host of other desirable skills.  It would be debilitating for a parent to squelch the child's interest, though it takes longer for him to "do it Ah-self!"

Naturally, a toddler cannot be expected to fully care for himself.  Cooking, laundry and providing for his needs make it possible for him to learn needed skills and grow in capacity in a safe environment.  But parents should bear in mind that their role is one of planned obsolescence.  We are training our children to become the most capable orphans ever, for eventually they will probably have to do without us.

My third child recently graduated from high school and began a job.  His older sister was married this summer.  Their older brother has been on his own and is making many important life decisions for himself and their younger sister is a high school senior, also making choices that will color her future.  For each of them, I need to become somewhat obsolete -- or they will be crippled.

I have listened with amazement (and some amusement) when these grown children have returned home with announcements of "new things" they have learned for themselves -- and I have shaken my head as I have recognized those familiar refrains that I have sung to them hundreds of times in our home!  At first, this gave me consternation, since the "discoveries" should obviously be (to me or to them) nothing new; additional consideration led me to understand that I could count such learning a success for each of us:  while each child certainly does not learn these life lessons by himself, he has to learn it for himself.

Motherhood is like teaching children to sing by heart:  the teacher's job is to find creative ways to repeat and repeat so the children will be attentive and learn the song without becoming bored with it, so we sing together, hum loud and soft, clap the rhythm and move to the music.  A good teacher realizes that people learn in a variety of ways; that an active listener is also digesting things; and that to really know the song, children also need to understand what the words mean and be able to sing on their own, even when a teacher is not present to motivate them.  When a person finally knows the song for himself, the song is his -- regardless who wrote it or taught it to him.  This ownership does not negate or belittle the efforts of the creator or the instructor; rather, it gives meaning and purpose to all their work. 

As a parent, I have felt like I have repeated certain refrains a thousand times -- but that is my job and I know I cannot afford to get frustrated or give up:  I have additional younger children who need to hear these things for themselves so they can also learn them for themselves.  I will be gone someday, but if I have done my work, the fresh music of a joyful life will continue to ring out in the lives of my children in new and wonderful ways.
 

Photos from sxc.hu.  Courtesy of Anissa Thompson and Ned Horton.