
As the lesson was announced, one neighbor raised her hand and took issue with the first word in this hopeful sentence. "I disagree with the use of the word successful," she said, "because the idea of success implies that some families are not successful, that they are failures."
Frankly, I had never thought of it that way. As I considered her comment, I realized that my neighbor had a different situation than I did, and she was speaking from her own experiences and fears. What I, a mother with preschoolers and babies, had taken as an encouraging pattern for my young family was a source of pain for her, with her four challenging teenagers!
What follows is a collection of some of the thoughts I have had as I have pondered on the use of the word success through the years, particularly as it applies to families and motherhood. As my children have grown and I have come face to face with my own inadequacies and with the painful choices of others, this comment has served as a reminder that the difficulties of life don't define me or my family as failures -- and that apparent ease or accomplishments don't define us as successes.

Keep trying. Successful people learn by continuing to practice, even when they initially fail -- and especially if they initially succeed. In Mindset, Carol Dweck highlights many of the pitfalls of the common "fixed mindset," which entrenches the idea that "smart" or "talented" people are successful without effort and that hard work is for the lame Rest-Of-Us who Just Don't Have It. This mindset causes people to label and limit themselves after only a short period of time, refusing to continue to try to grow if they don't succeed or to decline the risk of making mistakes once they have achieved some measure of accomplishment. People with the "growth mindset," on the other hand, realize that they are growing stronger as they try; any struggles or situational failures show what doesn't work and pave the way for future successes.

Apologize. We can succeed at being humble and taking responsibility for our own weaknesses. My children (and husband) are remarkably forgiving as I confess my faults and ask their forgiveness for offenses, even if they were unintended. I have learned not to make excuses: following an apology with "but..." negates the whole thing. Accept and apologize for what's yours and leave the rest alone. If correction is needed, offer it separately. A loving example of humility is more likely to promote understanding than almost anything else, because it will bring God's Spirit, one big measure of success.
Am I a successful mother? Ultimately, time will tell, but maybe not in my lifetime. In the meantime, I can try to have "happiness in family life...founded upon the teachings of the Lord, Jesus Christ" and work to establish and maintain our family "on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."
Photos from sxc.hu. Used courtesy of Alex Woodhouse, Adriana Herbut and sunshizzle.
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