Defining -- Without Being Defined By -- Successes and Failures

A couple of decades ago I was sitting in a class where The Family: A Proclamation to the World was being discussed.  Our lesson was on a particular sentence: Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. 

As the lesson was announced, one neighbor raised her hand and took issue with the first word in this hopeful sentence.  "I disagree with the use of the word successful," she said, "because the idea of success implies that some families are not successful, that they are failures."

Frankly, I had never thought of it that way.  As I considered her comment, I realized that my neighbor had a different situation than I did, and she was speaking from her own experiences and fears.  What I, a mother with preschoolers and babies, had taken as an encouraging pattern for my young family was a source of pain for her, with her four challenging teenagers!

What follows is a collection of some of the thoughts I have had as I have pondered on the use of the word success through the years, particularly as it applies to families and motherhood.  As my children have grown and I have come face to face with my own inadequacies and with the painful choices of others, this comment has served as a reminder that the difficulties of life don't define me or my family as failures -- and that apparent ease or accomplishments don't define us as successes.

God defines success.  The Proclamation comes to us from God, through His authorized servants; He has the right to use the word as He will and we are bound by His definition.  Through His Spirit, He also defines success for us individually, without regard to our neighbors' successes or failures.  I would consider my grandmother, who grew up as the daughter of a bootlegger during the Prohibition, a success -- even if all she did was clear out drug and alcohol use from our family.  Grandma was a hard worker who set an example of temple service and keeping her marriage covenants.  She developed a variety of talents and helped her children cultivate them, too.  Grandma expected her children to refine themselves and to make the world a better and more beautiful place.  She taught them to worship God and made sure they attended church and served their neighbors.  In a single generation, Grandma changed our family tree.  Personally, I have a heritage to live up to -- and I know God expects me to work at least as hard as she did, though my challenges are different than hers.  I honor those who do for their families what Grandma did for mine, and I am confident that their posterity will consider them successful the way I consider her a success for building a foundation of Christian living.  Grandma turned to God and He helped her succeed.  Surely He will do the same for us!

Keep trying.  Successful people learn by continuing to practice, even when they initially fail -- and especially if they initially succeed.  In Mindset, Carol Dweck highlights many of the pitfalls of the common "fixed mindset," which entrenches the idea that "smart" or "talented" people are successful without effort and that hard work is for the lame Rest-Of-Us who Just Don't Have It.  This mindset causes people to label and limit themselves after only a short period of time, refusing to continue to try to grow if they don't succeed or to decline the risk of making mistakes once they have achieved some measure of accomplishment.  People with the "growth mindset," on the other hand, realize that they are growing stronger as they try; any  struggles or situational failures show what doesn't work and pave the way for future successes. 

Since reading this book, I have changed the way I praise and encourage my children:  I want them to value their own efforts and recognize their progress, rather than expect themselves never to make mistakes.  I certainly want them to know that my acceptance is not based on whether or not they succeed at something and that failing doesn't make a person a failure, any more than succeeding means they have never or will never fail.  Success comes as we become better, not as we never make any mistakes.

Apologize.  We can succeed at being humble and taking responsibility for our own weaknesses.  My children (and husband) are remarkably forgiving as I confess my faults and ask their forgiveness for offenses, even if they were unintended.  I have learned not to make excuses:  following an apology with "but..." negates the whole thing.  Accept and apologize for what's yours and leave the rest alone. If correction is needed, offer it separately.  A loving example of humility is more likely to promote understanding than almost anything else, because it will bring God's Spirit, one big measure of success.

Am I a successful mother?  Ultimately, time will tell, but maybe not in my lifetime.  In the meantime, I can try to have "happiness in family life...founded upon the teachings of the Lord, Jesus Christ" and work to establish and maintain our family "on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."



Photos from sxc.hu.  Used courtesy of Alex Woodhouse, Adriana Herbut and sunshizzle.