Do It Yourself?

One of the challenges of parenting a toddler is the frustration that comes as the child decides to take charge of his own life.  It is a natural thing -- and a good one -- for a person to move towards autonomy:  this drive leads to walking, toilet training, speaking, self-dressing and a host of other desirable skills.  It would be debilitating for a parent to squelch the child's interest, though it takes longer for him to "do it Ah-self!"

Naturally, a toddler cannot be expected to fully care for himself.  Cooking, laundry and providing for his needs make it possible for him to learn needed skills and grow in capacity in a safe environment.  But parents should bear in mind that their role is one of planned obsolescence.  We are training our children to become the most capable orphans ever, for eventually they will probably have to do without us.

My third child recently graduated from high school and began a job.  His older sister was married this summer.  Their older brother has been on his own and is making many important life decisions for himself and their younger sister is a high school senior, also making choices that will color her future.  For each of them, I need to become somewhat obsolete -- or they will be crippled.

I have listened with amazement (and some amusement) when these grown children have returned home with announcements of "new things" they have learned for themselves -- and I have shaken my head as I have recognized those familiar refrains that I have sung to them hundreds of times in our home!  At first, this gave me consternation, since the "discoveries" should obviously be (to me or to them) nothing new; additional consideration led me to understand that I could count such learning a success for each of us:  while each child certainly does not learn these life lessons by himself, he has to learn it for himself.

Motherhood is like teaching children to sing by heart:  the teacher's job is to find creative ways to repeat and repeat so the children will be attentive and learn the song without becoming bored with it, so we sing together, hum loud and soft, clap the rhythm and move to the music.  A good teacher realizes that people learn in a variety of ways; that an active listener is also digesting things; and that to really know the song, children also need to understand what the words mean and be able to sing on their own, even when a teacher is not present to motivate them.  When a person finally knows the song for himself, the song is his -- regardless who wrote it or taught it to him.  This ownership does not negate or belittle the efforts of the creator or the instructor; rather, it gives meaning and purpose to all their work. 

As a parent, I have felt like I have repeated certain refrains a thousand times -- but that is my job and I know I cannot afford to get frustrated or give up:  I have additional younger children who need to hear these things for themselves so they can also learn them for themselves.  I will be gone someday, but if I have done my work, the fresh music of a joyful life will continue to ring out in the lives of my children in new and wonderful ways.
 

Photos from sxc.hu.  Courtesy of Anissa Thompson and Ned Horton.