No Dead Ends

While recently driving solo in an unfamiliar state, I made some mistakes.  The terrain was comprised of prominent hilly mounds and the roads went around these in confusing patterns, making it difficult for me to navigate from memory and a map.  Adding to my mix of emotions was the heavy traffic and occasional roadblocks due to construction.  I needed to know where I was going, but I had never been there before.  Thankfully, I had an address and a GPS.

I use the GPS with the volume turned off.  A glance shows what to expect at the next turn and what should lead up to it.  When I misunderstand the directions, there is no berating or blame:  a new route is simply recalculated and I am soon on track again.  This instrument reminds me that, no matter how far off I get, there are no Dead Ends; until I arrive at my destination, I am en route and am still working on it.  Instead of a Dead End, every place in between me and my goal is a Living Middle.

At one point, during rush hour, I happily made an easy right turn at a place where three lanes of left-turning traffic were crowding to merge into one lane during a short light.  A few seconds down the road, I realized why I was the sole driver on my side of the train tracks:  the previous intersection was the only nearby crossing and I had missed it!

Instead of its normal, no-big-deal, recalculation response, the GPS flashed the instruction to "TURN AROUND."  It only took a few moments to decide how to obey.  I was soon on the right track, with a better idea of how and why the roads were organized the way they are.  This was understanding that I could use when traveling that way later.

Did the experience hurt me?  Not at all:  I made it to my destination safely, with plenty of time to spare.  Frankly, I saw a lot of scenery on the trip, but I remember the picture of that particular part of the road very clearly; those surroundings gained a greater significance than most of the places I was merely passing through, on the way to Someplace Else.  Turning around actually helped me to take stock of the situation better and to recognize more fully my reliance on and gratitude for the directions. 

As I have pondered on this experience, I have considered how I travel through life, along with the ways I may tend to view wrong turns, detours or instructions to turn around.

I had business to take care of, but I was focused on enjoying the trip.  This was easier to keep in mind because I was there to serve my husband.  I expected to be traversing unfamiliar territory, so I allowed extra time to accommodate unexpected issues -- which is something that I often neglect when I am dashing about at home. The fact is that today's home territory may actually be new and unfamiliar; tootling along may help a person arrive quickly, but focusing on passing through the next intersection may cause a traveler to miss important understanding of the journey.

What happens when we misunderstand the directions for our lives and make wrong turns?  Do we feel judged and humiliated, or do we patiently accept the recalculated route?  If we have to turn around, does that mean we are failures, or do we see this as an opportunity to understand the journey -- and ourselves -- even better?  Do we feel upset at or thankful for the directions?

I have noticed that sometimes the slight delay or the recalculated route puts me in the perfect spot to enjoy a beautiful vista or to avoid disaster.  Naturally, I do not see every averted problem, but sometimes I have received a reminder that proximate annoyances may be blessings in disguise.  I recall one day when a companion and I were running late.  About halfway to our destination, we reached an intersection where we were the second car waiting to turn left onto a country highway.  As the car in front of us made its move, another vehicle crashed into it from the other direction, promptly sobering us with the thought that our morning's irritations (dropped toothpaste lids and delays at stop signs) might have spared us from having the accident ourselves. 

Until we reach our destination, we are in the middle.  And as long as we keep moving, it's a living journey to enjoy.

There really are no Dead Ends.  Just Living Middles.

Photos from sxc.hu.

All Set? Not Yet!

I love words; they mean things.

As a missionary in New Hampshire a couple of decades ago, I mused on the (sometimes unintended) significance of local phrases.  I thought the way people used "wicked" didn't generally apply, as in "wicked good ice cream," but that it did get "wicked cold" in the winter!  Sometimes people would tell us to go away, because "I'm really ugly today."  In one city, we were informed, "I'm Catholic, and I'm not interesting."  Several times we were rejected with the assurance that, "We already have two Bibles here, and we don't need another Bible."  The phrase that has prompted the most thought, though, was, "No thanks -- we're all set."

We heard this several times every day.  The "No thanks" part didn't bother me:  we were there to give people a chance to choose Christ and that was a reminder that someone had just had another chance.  But what do people mean by saying they are "all set?" 

I thought of broken hearts and hardened hearts.  I thought of broken arms being immobilized in casts.  I thought of concrete and plaster of Paris:  brittle and permanent when set -- and you get one chance to make the impression perfect.  I didn't want to be "set," to be bound like that, even in someone's mind and heart!  One of the greatest blessings about being mortal is that we are changeable.  Like clay, we can become molded and formed with infinite variety.  Even when the main part is established, small details can be perfected.  At what point would a person want to be "all set" and permanent, and what consequences would follow?

Over the years, I have noticed that holding grudges is one way we "set" someone in our hearts, insisting that they are the way we have portrayed them and that they cannot change.  Becoming "set" means that we are limited, and so are others in our lives.  It closes us to opportunity and growth.

A couple of months ago, my sister-in-law recommended Carol Dweck's recent book, Mindset, which clearly addresses aspects of this topic and outlines ways to grow out of a limiting mindset.  I promptly put the book on hold at the library, but it is so popular, it only just became available.  After a couple of days I bought a personal copy to share and mark up. 

The author highlights differences between people who have "fixed" and "growth" mindsets, showing how fear causes fixed mindset folks to avoid challenges -- at great cost.  Believing that their intelligence "is what it is" leads people to limit experiences that might prove them weak, because each performance must verify to themselves and others their identity as a "smart" person.  When we operate from this paradigm, we surround ourselves with people who will, in effect, worship us.  This mindset often leads to withdrawing from opportunities and even lying and cheating, to cover the truth that we don't already know everything.  Life is an all-or-nothing deal:  I am already perfect or I am a complete failure who has to hide it.  Where can learning fit in if we are "all set?"

Consider what happens when we do not consider challenges as failures, but genuinely look forward to them as opportunities to grow and develop.   Unlike scores on a test, intelligence and potential are not fixed and cannot fully be known or predicted in advance.  Neither we nor are children should think we are "all set."

What could happen if, instead of saying, "I don't know how," we added "-- yet," to the end of such sentences?  "I have never been able to -- yet," implies that, despite past attempts, we still have hope and time for perseverance.  "I haven't tried that -- yet," gives us permission to try -- and to continue working until we can achieve mastery of something challenging -- which is the best way to develop self-confidence.



Today I have seen evidence that some of my children are limited by a mindset I may have helped them develop.  I am not a perfect parent -- not yet.  I hope I am not too set in my ways to give my children the skills they need to grow and develop.





Photos from sxc.hu.

Obedience -- A Child's Job

When my insightful neighbor was teaching "The Family Is Of God" to the children in our ward, she focused their attention on the various roles of family members, as condensed from The Family:  A Proclamation To the World.  It was easy to pick out the roles of fathers and mothers, but when she asked, "What is the child's job?" the children drew a blank.  It's not explicitly mentioned in the song.

"A child's job is to obey," she explained. 

Obedience is the first law of heaven, and it's also the first lesson of the home.  Indeed, without obedience there cannot be any other lessons.

I have thought a lot about obedience, particularly as it relates to agency.

While many suggest that these principles are opposed, they actually belong together:  only with agency is obedience a possibility.

Without agency -- the ability to choose right over wrong -- correct actions are mere compliance. 

Don't misunderstand:  I appreciate compliance.  But compliance is limited.  Compliance focuses on the motions, but those motions may miss the meaning completely.  It is possible to comply with our hearts in the wrong place, which qualifies us for a lesser blessing -- or even for no blessing at all.  Does a plotting prisoner in a concentration camp obey each time he falls into line, parrots a mantra or puts his head down to save his life?  Can a child who is encouraged to share a toy with another qualify for the full blessing if he gives with a slap and a dirty look, following up with unkindness later?  Despite his compliance, he has not obeyed.

Obedience, motivated by love, is not blind.  True obedience is a gift that requires the proper use of agency.  True obedience means deliberately choosing compliance of action with a willing heart.

Is obedience easy to teach?  Consider the effectiveness of situations you know where parents insist that "as long as you live in my house, you will do things my way":  the stereotypically resentful children often comply "for now," but depart from the family's way as soon as they leave.  Situations like these are often cited as examples to elevate agency at the expense of obedience, but they have missed the point of both.

When we are obedient, we trust someone or something and are willing to choose to follow.  Those who would teach obedience have to be obedient themselves and their lessons must focus on more than mere compliant outcomes.  Teaching thus requires modeled obedience, thoughtful explanations and discipline that helps inspire changes in attitude as well as behavior.

Learning obedience is a child's job.  But whether we are young or old, each person can rise above compliance and choose to obey.


Photos from sxc.hu or by the author.

The Feminist Mistake

Several months ago I was assigned to teach a lesson on Utah's Historical Women's Suffrage Movement in my local DUP meeting.  I actually taught the lesson by default, since nobody else signed up to do it.  I was afraid that the lesson would be divisive and that it would be an exercise in man-bashing, since the main experiences I had had with the suffrage movement included such things as my mother's experiences and Mrs. Banks's sung motto in Mary Poppins: "Though we adore men individually, we agree that, as a group, they're rather stupid."  I have friends who actually believe things like that and know there are some very polarizing and strident feminist discussions going on right now.  I didn't want to be contentious.

What I learned made me conclude that Latter-Day Saint women are -- and have always been -- the most free in the history of the world.  In addition to the untapped power that I have always believed women have, the women of Christ's restored Church have the greatest and most noble opportunities ever -- and they are increasing to the degree that we act in accordance with our God-ordained roles.

I had not considered the significance that, from the organization of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and continuing uninterrupted until now, LDS women have voted along with men to sustain leaders.  We have had our own organization, directed by God through duly called leaders, within and as an integral part of Christ's Church.  The key that was turned to the Relief Society in 1842 marked a blessing for women throughout the world:  the Seneca Falls Convention, marking the beginning of the suffrage movement in the United States, happened more than six years later.  Utah's women were held as an example by leaders of the national suffrage movements and were largely supported in their efforts by the male leaders of the LDS Church at the time.

It was interesting to learn that the women of Utah were the first to vote and were given educational opportunities before many of their sisters in other areas in the country.  Though the United States government put a stop to women's suffrage in Utah when statehood was granted, Mormon women, largely organized through the Relief Society, were active in promoting laws that protected rights of property and liberty for all.  They were acknowledged as leaders in the national women's movement for decades: even after 1920, when the 19th Amendment granted women's suffrage in the United States, local and general Relief Society leaders served on national boards advocating fair laws for everyone, including women.  This involvement ended in the seventies, when the women's movement moved into "modern" directions incompatible with Christianity.  As one official statement affirmed at the time:  "The Church is firmly committed to equal rights for women, but opposes the proposed Equal Rights Amendment because of its serious moral implications."

My mother, who grew up in the fifties and sixties, knew where the modern feminist ideas came from, even if the women from my generation and my daughters' -- and their daughters' -- do not.  Mom recognized the Betty Friedans and the Kate Milletts and could see what they were trying to accomplish.  She was there in the seventies when the NOW and their ERA rallies traveled the country and she got a front row seat when they came to town -- and it is interesting to note that the rally in Salt Lake City was by far the best-attended on the ERA rally tour.  A college-educated farm girl, Mom went to the event with an open mind and saw first-hand that "women's lib" had moved beyond voting and legal property rights and that the objective was even beyond the unisex bathrooms, etc., that the vulgarly masculine women's group openly advocated.  That day's experience affected her profoundly, including even the way she has dressed since -- in no way does she ever want to be identified with those people or their philosophies.

When a person's belief system is based on falsehood, everything that follows should be suspect.  By now, feminist doctrine has so infiltrated our lives, it is hard to tell which parts are false and which are true -- and how far the truth has been skewed by the distorted feminist glasses we're not even aware we wear.  To look fairly at current issues, we need to get out of the Fun House and step back in time, seeing things through clearer eyes.

I recently read a fascinating article by Mallory Millett, which helped put modern feminism in its Marxist context.  Her sister, Kate Millett, was one of the most prominent founders of the National Organization of Women and a keystone author in Women's Studies programs.  I had to edit the article to share aloud with my family, but it is worth the effort.  The article demonstrates why, at the roots, modern feminism is incompatible with home and family, with priesthood order and with Christianity.  Modern feminism defines women as prostitutes, doomed either to control or be controlled, and was intentionally designed to destroy the family; it takes as its tools every possible attack on decency and love.  ( See http://www.frontpagemag.com/2014/mallorymillett/marxist-feminisms-ruined-lives/.) 

A cursory look at the lives of famous modern feminists helps us know them by their fruits.  Betty Friedan got what she demanded and was hailed as a prophetess, but she died miserable and rejected.  Kate Millett's artist husband put up with her violent mental illness and lesbian partners for twenty years before divorcing her; her female lover, subject of a pornographic book detailing their relationship, committed suicide.

And where are the formerly LDS women whose cases of "discrimination" once got them so much media attention for "advocating women's issues?"  Examples like Sonia Johnson demonstrate that it doesn't take long for them to move out of the spotlight and into the quiet oblivion of the same brand of ruined existence.  A beloved friend who claimed that some of the BYU professors, fired and/or excommunicated in the '90s, were her "finest teachers ever," did not see the irony of finishing her sentence with, "but none of us were surprised to learn that her TAs divorced their husbands and moved in together as lovers."  The destruction sowed by those teachers continues, too:  I watched as this friend likewise turned from Christ and systematically dismantled her family.

So, what is the Feminist Mistake?  We make it whenever we adopt mean-spirited or manipulative tactics to get what we want.  We make it when we look for fault in differences between the sexes or try to make all "fair" by making everything "even."  We make it when we try to reconcile Communism with Christ:  the two are diametrically opposed, because one is Satan's plan.  We make it when we fail to see that the Patriarchal Order is God's way, the Way to our own happiness.

Are there actual injustices in this world?  Of course there are.  And women of strength and character are ideally suited to address them -- with courage, kindness and love.

Feminism tries to change the world through discontent, anger, hate and destruction; godly mothers cannot afford to adopt these tools.  If we are contentious, we are already doomed -- even when we are technically polite.  Contention grows from the heart, the same as love.  As women become pure-hearted they become powerful, regardless of their circumstances.  I know that I cannot hide my true feelings from my children, even if my words are what they should be:  my children watch me and feel the influence I bring.  My message has to be encompassed in my life.  This is a high aim, worthy of a woman's best efforts.

Women -- mothers -- have the power to change the direction of future generations.  As a woman meets opposition and persecution with gentle meekness and guileless love, her children and all about her are influenced for good; when a woman tries to stand for what she believes in a fault-finding, negative or contentious way, she is wrong -- even if she is right.


Photos from sxc.hu.  Used with permission of michiru_.

Meaning No

My daughter took a beautifully-wrapped package of homemade cookies to give to a friend at school. Her first class of the day is before school; she had the present with her.  Her neighbor noticed the cookies, and coyly pretended to think the cookies were intended for her.  The girl followed my daughter to her locker, talking excitedly until the cookies were safely stowed away.  She tried snatching and every wheedling trick to get a cookie, even announcing planned cookie-getting scenarios:  "When you leave the classroom, I'll be right outside the door and you will give me a cookie!"  Each time she saw my daughter in the hall, she asked again for a cookie.

"I told her 'No' each time, and she just wouldn't let up!  She was so obnoxious, I started getting mad.  There was no way I was about to cave and let her have a cookie!"

We talked about generosity, social contracts and the rules of etiquette, then began discussing how not to raise children to behave like junkies.  Maybe it starts in the grocery cart.

A psychologist brother-in-law insists that the most effective reward is the inconsistent one.  When we sometimes change our minds after saying no, begging becomes the pile of coins in the reward slot machine -- children never know when they might get a pay-off, and this time could be the lucky one when they might hit the jackpot!  In this scenario, the repeated "No" is an indication that one has not tried hard enough or that he hasn't made enough attempts. The addict "high" of expectation was probably not tied just to the sugary treat:  it was linked to the possible power of the pleas.

Have my children ever begged for treats or toys during shopping?  A few times (mainly the older ones), when they were very young.  I remain willing to leave my cart in the store and have a little chat in the parking lot -- and to leave children at home during the next few shopping trips, until they demonstrate that they are "ready to behave in public." They quickly learn that our family does not indulge in treats very often, and not at all if I said no the first time.  Only rarely do they ask a second or third time -- and if they press, I remind them that "I already answered that question kindly and my answer will not change, though my tone might have to."  My mom's response is, "Asked, and answered," which means the same thing.

The benefits are ongoing:  because "No" means No, we have avoided years of drama in the grocery store -- and now my children know how to say "No" and make it stick, whether the pushy one is after cookies, a kiss or a peek at their paper during a test.  They recognize the manipulative tricks of others and don't fall into traps or become odious themselves.

And that's empowering.



All photos from sxc.hu.  Used with permission of Kjelle69.

Timely Reminders From a Prophet

“To be a righteous woman during the winding up scenes on this earth, before the second coming of our Savior, is an especially noble calling... She has been placed here to help to enrich, to protect, and to guard the home--which is society's basic and most noble institution.”

“Among the real heroines in the world who will come into the Church are women who are more concerned with being righteous than with being selfish. These real heroines have true humility, which places a higher value on integrity than on visibility. Remember, it is as wrong to do things just to be seen of women as it is to do things to be seen of men. Great women and men are always more anxious to serve than to have dominion.”

“No matter what you read or hear, no matter what the difference of circumstances you observe in the lives of women about you, it is important for you Latter-day Saint women to understand that the Lord holds motherhood and mothers sacred and in the highest esteem. He has entrusted to his daughters the great responsibility of bearing and nurturing children.... There is divinity in each new life.”
     ~ Spencer W. Kimball