All Set? Not Yet!

I love words; they mean things.

As a missionary in New Hampshire a couple of decades ago, I mused on the (sometimes unintended) significance of local phrases.  I thought the way people used "wicked" didn't generally apply, as in "wicked good ice cream," but that it did get "wicked cold" in the winter!  Sometimes people would tell us to go away, because "I'm really ugly today."  In one city, we were informed, "I'm Catholic, and I'm not interesting."  Several times we were rejected with the assurance that, "We already have two Bibles here, and we don't need another Bible."  The phrase that has prompted the most thought, though, was, "No thanks -- we're all set."

We heard this several times every day.  The "No thanks" part didn't bother me:  we were there to give people a chance to choose Christ and that was a reminder that someone had just had another chance.  But what do people mean by saying they are "all set?" 

I thought of broken hearts and hardened hearts.  I thought of broken arms being immobilized in casts.  I thought of concrete and plaster of Paris:  brittle and permanent when set -- and you get one chance to make the impression perfect.  I didn't want to be "set," to be bound like that, even in someone's mind and heart!  One of the greatest blessings about being mortal is that we are changeable.  Like clay, we can become molded and formed with infinite variety.  Even when the main part is established, small details can be perfected.  At what point would a person want to be "all set" and permanent, and what consequences would follow?

Over the years, I have noticed that holding grudges is one way we "set" someone in our hearts, insisting that they are the way we have portrayed them and that they cannot change.  Becoming "set" means that we are limited, and so are others in our lives.  It closes us to opportunity and growth.

A couple of months ago, my sister-in-law recommended Carol Dweck's recent book, Mindset, which clearly addresses aspects of this topic and outlines ways to grow out of a limiting mindset.  I promptly put the book on hold at the library, but it is so popular, it only just became available.  After a couple of days I bought a personal copy to share and mark up. 

The author highlights differences between people who have "fixed" and "growth" mindsets, showing how fear causes fixed mindset folks to avoid challenges -- at great cost.  Believing that their intelligence "is what it is" leads people to limit experiences that might prove them weak, because each performance must verify to themselves and others their identity as a "smart" person.  When we operate from this paradigm, we surround ourselves with people who will, in effect, worship us.  This mindset often leads to withdrawing from opportunities and even lying and cheating, to cover the truth that we don't already know everything.  Life is an all-or-nothing deal:  I am already perfect or I am a complete failure who has to hide it.  Where can learning fit in if we are "all set?"

Consider what happens when we do not consider challenges as failures, but genuinely look forward to them as opportunities to grow and develop.   Unlike scores on a test, intelligence and potential are not fixed and cannot fully be known or predicted in advance.  Neither we nor are children should think we are "all set."

What could happen if, instead of saying, "I don't know how," we added "-- yet," to the end of such sentences?  "I have never been able to -- yet," implies that, despite past attempts, we still have hope and time for perseverance.  "I haven't tried that -- yet," gives us permission to try -- and to continue working until we can achieve mastery of something challenging -- which is the best way to develop self-confidence.



Today I have seen evidence that some of my children are limited by a mindset I may have helped them develop.  I am not a perfect parent -- not yet.  I hope I am not too set in my ways to give my children the skills they need to grow and develop.





Photos from sxc.hu.