Meaning No

My daughter took a beautifully-wrapped package of homemade cookies to give to a friend at school. Her first class of the day is before school; she had the present with her.  Her neighbor noticed the cookies, and coyly pretended to think the cookies were intended for her.  The girl followed my daughter to her locker, talking excitedly until the cookies were safely stowed away.  She tried snatching and every wheedling trick to get a cookie, even announcing planned cookie-getting scenarios:  "When you leave the classroom, I'll be right outside the door and you will give me a cookie!"  Each time she saw my daughter in the hall, she asked again for a cookie.

"I told her 'No' each time, and she just wouldn't let up!  She was so obnoxious, I started getting mad.  There was no way I was about to cave and let her have a cookie!"

We talked about generosity, social contracts and the rules of etiquette, then began discussing how not to raise children to behave like junkies.  Maybe it starts in the grocery cart.

A psychologist brother-in-law insists that the most effective reward is the inconsistent one.  When we sometimes change our minds after saying no, begging becomes the pile of coins in the reward slot machine -- children never know when they might get a pay-off, and this time could be the lucky one when they might hit the jackpot!  In this scenario, the repeated "No" is an indication that one has not tried hard enough or that he hasn't made enough attempts. The addict "high" of expectation was probably not tied just to the sugary treat:  it was linked to the possible power of the pleas.

Have my children ever begged for treats or toys during shopping?  A few times (mainly the older ones), when they were very young.  I remain willing to leave my cart in the store and have a little chat in the parking lot -- and to leave children at home during the next few shopping trips, until they demonstrate that they are "ready to behave in public." They quickly learn that our family does not indulge in treats very often, and not at all if I said no the first time.  Only rarely do they ask a second or third time -- and if they press, I remind them that "I already answered that question kindly and my answer will not change, though my tone might have to."  My mom's response is, "Asked, and answered," which means the same thing.

The benefits are ongoing:  because "No" means No, we have avoided years of drama in the grocery store -- and now my children know how to say "No" and make it stick, whether the pushy one is after cookies, a kiss or a peek at their paper during a test.  They recognize the manipulative tricks of others and don't fall into traps or become odious themselves.

And that's empowering.



All photos from sxc.hu.  Used with permission of Kjelle69.