The Feminist Mistake

Several months ago I was assigned to teach a lesson on Utah's Historical Women's Suffrage Movement in my local DUP meeting.  I actually taught the lesson by default, since nobody else signed up to do it.  I was afraid that the lesson would be divisive and that it would be an exercise in man-bashing, since the main experiences I had had with the suffrage movement included such things as my mother's experiences and Mrs. Banks's sung motto in Mary Poppins: "Though we adore men individually, we agree that, as a group, they're rather stupid."  I have friends who actually believe things like that and know there are some very polarizing and strident feminist discussions going on right now.  I didn't want to be contentious.

What I learned made me conclude that Latter-Day Saint women are -- and have always been -- the most free in the history of the world.  In addition to the untapped power that I have always believed women have, the women of Christ's restored Church have the greatest and most noble opportunities ever -- and they are increasing to the degree that we act in accordance with our God-ordained roles.

I had not considered the significance that, from the organization of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and continuing uninterrupted until now, LDS women have voted along with men to sustain leaders.  We have had our own organization, directed by God through duly called leaders, within and as an integral part of Christ's Church.  The key that was turned to the Relief Society in 1842 marked a blessing for women throughout the world:  the Seneca Falls Convention, marking the beginning of the suffrage movement in the United States, happened more than six years later.  Utah's women were held as an example by leaders of the national suffrage movements and were largely supported in their efforts by the male leaders of the LDS Church at the time.

It was interesting to learn that the women of Utah were the first to vote and were given educational opportunities before many of their sisters in other areas in the country.  Though the United States government put a stop to women's suffrage in Utah when statehood was granted, Mormon women, largely organized through the Relief Society, were active in promoting laws that protected rights of property and liberty for all.  They were acknowledged as leaders in the national women's movement for decades: even after 1920, when the 19th Amendment granted women's suffrage in the United States, local and general Relief Society leaders served on national boards advocating fair laws for everyone, including women.  This involvement ended in the seventies, when the women's movement moved into "modern" directions incompatible with Christianity.  As one official statement affirmed at the time:  "The Church is firmly committed to equal rights for women, but opposes the proposed Equal Rights Amendment because of its serious moral implications."

My mother, who grew up in the fifties and sixties, knew where the modern feminist ideas came from, even if the women from my generation and my daughters' -- and their daughters' -- do not.  Mom recognized the Betty Friedans and the Kate Milletts and could see what they were trying to accomplish.  She was there in the seventies when the NOW and their ERA rallies traveled the country and she got a front row seat when they came to town -- and it is interesting to note that the rally in Salt Lake City was by far the best-attended on the ERA rally tour.  A college-educated farm girl, Mom went to the event with an open mind and saw first-hand that "women's lib" had moved beyond voting and legal property rights and that the objective was even beyond the unisex bathrooms, etc., that the vulgarly masculine women's group openly advocated.  That day's experience affected her profoundly, including even the way she has dressed since -- in no way does she ever want to be identified with those people or their philosophies.

When a person's belief system is based on falsehood, everything that follows should be suspect.  By now, feminist doctrine has so infiltrated our lives, it is hard to tell which parts are false and which are true -- and how far the truth has been skewed by the distorted feminist glasses we're not even aware we wear.  To look fairly at current issues, we need to get out of the Fun House and step back in time, seeing things through clearer eyes.

I recently read a fascinating article by Mallory Millett, which helped put modern feminism in its Marxist context.  Her sister, Kate Millett, was one of the most prominent founders of the National Organization of Women and a keystone author in Women's Studies programs.  I had to edit the article to share aloud with my family, but it is worth the effort.  The article demonstrates why, at the roots, modern feminism is incompatible with home and family, with priesthood order and with Christianity.  Modern feminism defines women as prostitutes, doomed either to control or be controlled, and was intentionally designed to destroy the family; it takes as its tools every possible attack on decency and love.  ( See http://www.frontpagemag.com/2014/mallorymillett/marxist-feminisms-ruined-lives/.) 

A cursory look at the lives of famous modern feminists helps us know them by their fruits.  Betty Friedan got what she demanded and was hailed as a prophetess, but she died miserable and rejected.  Kate Millett's artist husband put up with her violent mental illness and lesbian partners for twenty years before divorcing her; her female lover, subject of a pornographic book detailing their relationship, committed suicide.

And where are the formerly LDS women whose cases of "discrimination" once got them so much media attention for "advocating women's issues?"  Examples like Sonia Johnson demonstrate that it doesn't take long for them to move out of the spotlight and into the quiet oblivion of the same brand of ruined existence.  A beloved friend who claimed that some of the BYU professors, fired and/or excommunicated in the '90s, were her "finest teachers ever," did not see the irony of finishing her sentence with, "but none of us were surprised to learn that her TAs divorced their husbands and moved in together as lovers."  The destruction sowed by those teachers continues, too:  I watched as this friend likewise turned from Christ and systematically dismantled her family.

So, what is the Feminist Mistake?  We make it whenever we adopt mean-spirited or manipulative tactics to get what we want.  We make it when we look for fault in differences between the sexes or try to make all "fair" by making everything "even."  We make it when we try to reconcile Communism with Christ:  the two are diametrically opposed, because one is Satan's plan.  We make it when we fail to see that the Patriarchal Order is God's way, the Way to our own happiness.

Are there actual injustices in this world?  Of course there are.  And women of strength and character are ideally suited to address them -- with courage, kindness and love.

Feminism tries to change the world through discontent, anger, hate and destruction; godly mothers cannot afford to adopt these tools.  If we are contentious, we are already doomed -- even when we are technically polite.  Contention grows from the heart, the same as love.  As women become pure-hearted they become powerful, regardless of their circumstances.  I know that I cannot hide my true feelings from my children, even if my words are what they should be:  my children watch me and feel the influence I bring.  My message has to be encompassed in my life.  This is a high aim, worthy of a woman's best efforts.

Women -- mothers -- have the power to change the direction of future generations.  As a woman meets opposition and persecution with gentle meekness and guileless love, her children and all about her are influenced for good; when a woman tries to stand for what she believes in a fault-finding, negative or contentious way, she is wrong -- even if she is right.


Photos from sxc.hu.  Used with permission of michiru_.

Meaning No

My daughter took a beautifully-wrapped package of homemade cookies to give to a friend at school. Her first class of the day is before school; she had the present with her.  Her neighbor noticed the cookies, and coyly pretended to think the cookies were intended for her.  The girl followed my daughter to her locker, talking excitedly until the cookies were safely stowed away.  She tried snatching and every wheedling trick to get a cookie, even announcing planned cookie-getting scenarios:  "When you leave the classroom, I'll be right outside the door and you will give me a cookie!"  Each time she saw my daughter in the hall, she asked again for a cookie.

"I told her 'No' each time, and she just wouldn't let up!  She was so obnoxious, I started getting mad.  There was no way I was about to cave and let her have a cookie!"

We talked about generosity, social contracts and the rules of etiquette, then began discussing how not to raise children to behave like junkies.  Maybe it starts in the grocery cart.

A psychologist brother-in-law insists that the most effective reward is the inconsistent one.  When we sometimes change our minds after saying no, begging becomes the pile of coins in the reward slot machine -- children never know when they might get a pay-off, and this time could be the lucky one when they might hit the jackpot!  In this scenario, the repeated "No" is an indication that one has not tried hard enough or that he hasn't made enough attempts. The addict "high" of expectation was probably not tied just to the sugary treat:  it was linked to the possible power of the pleas.

Have my children ever begged for treats or toys during shopping?  A few times (mainly the older ones), when they were very young.  I remain willing to leave my cart in the store and have a little chat in the parking lot -- and to leave children at home during the next few shopping trips, until they demonstrate that they are "ready to behave in public." They quickly learn that our family does not indulge in treats very often, and not at all if I said no the first time.  Only rarely do they ask a second or third time -- and if they press, I remind them that "I already answered that question kindly and my answer will not change, though my tone might have to."  My mom's response is, "Asked, and answered," which means the same thing.

The benefits are ongoing:  because "No" means No, we have avoided years of drama in the grocery store -- and now my children know how to say "No" and make it stick, whether the pushy one is after cookies, a kiss or a peek at their paper during a test.  They recognize the manipulative tricks of others and don't fall into traps or become odious themselves.

And that's empowering.



All photos from sxc.hu.  Used with permission of Kjelle69.

Timely Reminders From a Prophet

“To be a righteous woman during the winding up scenes on this earth, before the second coming of our Savior, is an especially noble calling... She has been placed here to help to enrich, to protect, and to guard the home--which is society's basic and most noble institution.”

“Among the real heroines in the world who will come into the Church are women who are more concerned with being righteous than with being selfish. These real heroines have true humility, which places a higher value on integrity than on visibility. Remember, it is as wrong to do things just to be seen of women as it is to do things to be seen of men. Great women and men are always more anxious to serve than to have dominion.”

“No matter what you read or hear, no matter what the difference of circumstances you observe in the lives of women about you, it is important for you Latter-day Saint women to understand that the Lord holds motherhood and mothers sacred and in the highest esteem. He has entrusted to his daughters the great responsibility of bearing and nurturing children.... There is divinity in each new life.”
     ~ Spencer W. Kimball

Fulfulling Personal Missions

It doesn't take having more than two to figure out that each child is different, coming to this existence with individual talents, interests, weaknesses and strengths.  Each of these is valuable in helping the child prepare for and fulfill his personal mission.

As a mother, I talk openly about my children's personal missions, though I do not have a clear picture of the mission of each child from the outset:  my role is to give each child the foundation and the skills to discover and do what God sent him to do.  I believe that when a person is following the Spirit and doing his best, he is either preparing for or is accomplishing his personal mission.

It is not always possible to tell whether we are in preparation mode or fulfillment mode!  Many of the Founding Fathers had success in multiple careers to prepare them for the specific roles for which they are remembered.  Our children may likewise need a variety of skills and experiences -- including disappointments and apparent failures -- in order to ultimately succeed in their life missions.  While this article focuses mainly on what our children learn and do, what they become is even more important; a person's character colors all his acts and leads to success or failure in accomplishing anything -- including his personal mission.

Developing talents and working hard.  What can a mother do to prepare her children for success in their personal missions?  Helping them to identify and develop talents and interests is an obvious motherly role, though mothers should remember that the brain's capacity to develop continues throughout life and all is not lost if a child does not develop every possible talent before leaving for college.  Helping children learn to recognize development opportunities and to work diligently may be better than becoming a drill sergeant and seeing to it that they develop the skills we value.

Educational foundation.  Teaching children to read, write and do math and giving them a context for their skills helps children prepare for the life missions to follow.  Parents are stewards and are accountable for these skills, even when we delegate them to others.  Helping children learn to learn gives them autonomy, now and later. 

Social development.  Providing social opportunities and helping our children develop tools to navigate among humanity is valuable, no matter what direction a child's personal mission takes him.

Defense Mode.  Sometimes a parent is required to protect a child from situations that sabotage opportunities to fulfill his personal mission.  Years ago, when one of our children was feeling pressured to make an early commitment to the military, we discussed with him what he already knew about his future and asked him to evaluate if his proposed course would be likely to lead him there.  Putting his options in context with his personal life mission helped him identify his motivations and make better long-range personal decisions.

Personal connection with God.  The most important thing a mother can do in guiding children to fulfill their personal missions is to help them develop their own connections to God.  As children gain confidence in seeking and acting on answers from the One who knows all Truth, they will know the course of their personal lives is in harmony with His will for them.  This helps them navigate storms and maintain humility in success.

Talking Over the Red Flags

The bride was a girl in her later twenties, in the process of completing doctoral studies in research science.  The groom, a handsome mill worker who encouraged his fiancee in her studies and agreed that any future children would be raised in her protestant faith, seemed an ideal companion to her.

Two months after the wedding, any commonalities seemed to have evaporated:  the husband decided he valued his own religion and was frustrated that his bossy, overbearing wife and her stuffy colleagues looked down on him; the wife wondered that there could be a man with so little ambition.  The divorce was quick and final.

If only this couple could have had some warning!  You saw it in two sentences, from 25 years away -- why couldn't they?

I was in my late teens when I viewed this experience from the perspective of the bride's mother, my co-worker.  She talked with me about the warning signs from the start; yet she worked for months to prepare her daughter's wedding, expecting things to fall apart at any moment.  She loved her daughter, whom she knew would need a mother's support when the relationship disintegrated.  At the time, I wondered that my friend did not feel she could warn her adult daughter.

The best time to open discussions on how to recognize potential warning signs comes before a person is in a relationship; once a person has committed to a course of action, pride and human nature make it hard for them to accept other points of view, for that would mean admitting they have been Wrong.  For some reason, once we get to a certain point, many of us are committed to the pain that we probably already know is likely, as if we expect that drastic measures -- like a divorce -- are more acceptable than rational course corrections along the way.  Engrossing as it might be to watch, a Soap Opera life is not a happy one!

Long before our children are old enough to date, we have family discussions about patterns in human relations -- and the warning signs we term Red Flags.  Some discussions are formal ones around the dining table; others emerge informally as children bring up observations of and difficulties with friends.  Movies and books provide excellent examples for instruction, for they are crafted with foreshadowing cues that we can learn to recognize and replay without gossiping about family, friends and neighbors.  The Red Flags are not usually definitive markers; we think of them as clues to prompt understanding and further examination of a person's character.  Sometimes I role play with my children to help them recognize what the Flags look and sound like and to explore ways they may be handled with dignity and love.

Just what sort of clues are we looking for?  The following list of possible Red Flags is by no means exhaustive; it is suggested to prompt pondering and discussion on your own experience.

Unity of Goals and Expectations.  The striking differences highlighted in the story of my friend's daughter show the importance of common ground.  Factors such as age, education, race, religion, socio-economic background, nationality and cultural or family tradition are not necessarily better or wrong, but they strongly influence the identity and values of a person.  No matter how similar the upbringings of two people are, they will have differences; it is best to Flag and address the commonalities and differences in advance.  My mother-in-law told me that she and her husband never disagreed on anything -- until they had children.  Like the groom above who had decided their differences meant nothing, there may come a point where you discover your values really matter to you.  If you have made choices based on those values, they will likely be the values that also matter to your spouse.

Manipulation.  Even young children note discomfort when friends try to manipulate their actions and emotions.  Fourth- and fifth-grade girls are particularly notorious manipulators, so it pays to help children recognize the Red Flags of manipulation early and learn to deal with them in healthy ways before they become involved with a manipulative date or spouse.  Warning Flags include sneakiness, secrecy and  dishonesty ("Nobody ever needs to know!").  Exclusivity and other forms of flattery ("I just act this way because I like having you around so much!") may seem to justify what feels wrong, but the imagined good feeling is short lived and carries a sting.  The Red Flags may be the aftertaste feelings that come with being manipulated.  No matter when it emerges, it is important to be able to recognize manipulation for what it is and learn to deal with it appropriately -- and that may mean having the courage to run away.

Worldliness and Rebellion.  As our children consider possible dates, they are encouraged to pay attention to the Costume Clues that might tip them off to attitudes that would destroy a marriage.  Hairstyles and colors that push the boundaries of modesty or articles of clothing that identify with drug culture ("I just don't do well with authority!") are big Red Flags; so are expensive or overly trendy clothes or electronics.  Our son noted his discomfort with a date's enthusiasm over his nice used car as a Red Flag -- and I noticed that he got rid of the car, too.  Our daughter was concerned with the preoccupation one body-builder boyfriend had with his physique: she might well wonder about the effects of aging and childbirth on their long-term relationship.

Relationships With Family Members.  The way a man treats his mother can be considered the prequel to the way his wife will be treated, for people fall into the patterns they know.  Examine your friend's part in his family dynamics for clues to his character.  My mother noted my crush on a cute neighbor boy and pointedly asked what I thought about becoming a part of his family.  I had seen his mother in action -- and that Red Flag was the end of it.  While in college, my daughter accepted a date with a young man whom she noticed was nice to her and rude to others; this alerted her that his behavior was a temporary measure, put on to impress her.  She was not impressed.

Morality.  Dishonesty, no matter how small it seems, is a glaring Flag.  Pornography is a deal-breaker.  Immodesty, an outward sign of an immoral heart, warns the wise the way a foghorn proclaims that dangerous shoals lurk beneath.  Immorality in all its forms is corrosive to character and destroys love.

As a mother, I felt a mixture of emotions when my son recently returned from a date and reported that his childhood friend had been dressed immodestly and that he would no longer consider dating her because of the way she dressed.  I was thankful that he could recognize the Flag, but also disappointed for them both.

Parents love their children and feel an obligation to support them in the decisions they make, whether or not they feel those choices are in a child's best interest.  Sadly, after a person has chosen a companion, it is all but impossible for his parents to rationally discuss with him the liabilities of their relationship.  Teaching children in advance to recognize Red Flags equips them to make better choices and provides common ground for discussing challenges in terms of patterns, rather than making such discussion into a subjective battle or a personal attack on anyone's choices or character.  As decisions are informed by awareness of patterns, everyone is more likely to find a happy Ever After.

All photos from sxc.hu.

Helping Him Provide

More than twenty years ago my husband and I purchased our first house.  We had just welcomed our second child when we moved into this brand new subdivision.  Most of our neighbors were in the same situation; our commonalities made it easy to form many lasting friendships.

One of my first friends in the new community was a lovely younger woman with one son born halfway between my two children.  She was friendly and gentle, a good manager and a good influence.  Both our husbands worked extended hours, an hour down the freeway (in opposite directions); neither of us regularly had a car at our disposal during the day.  Money was tight, but we had lots of happy time with our children and we lived only a few houses apart.  She and I enjoyed time together nearly every day.

My friend had earlier worked as a computer programmer, supporting the family while her husband finished college.  She was committed to motherhood, though; she had determined in advance to stay home with her children once he graduated.  I saw her as an attentive mother and a devoted wife.

Every so often, this friend would receive a call begging her to return to work at increased pay.  Her husband was a talented artist and a hard worker, often taking side jobs so their family could make improvements on their new home; I knew it would have been easy for her to justify returning to work, since this could relieve financial pressures.  Despite this, my friend continued at home with their son (and with their daughters, as they eventually came), managing their resources, providing a clean and beautiful home and attentively providing a wide variety of opportunities and experiences for the whole family, while her husband continued taking extra jobs.

I recall one time where the renewed offer would have allowed my friend to earn more than her husband was making -- and at part-time hours!  I was amazed that she could decline, for I knew money was tight.   As I continued to observe her and ponder on the things she shared, however, I became increasingly conscious that she was giving her husband the chance-of-a-lifetime opportunity to really be the Provider for their family:  though it was not easy, she was providing the support he needed to act in his God-ordained role.

Like many of our neighbors, I was living the principle at the same time; still, I received powerful insight about helping a husband exercise his masculine role in a family by observing this friend.  Many of the complaints women make about men -- and many of the social ills of our time -- have roots in the fact that women often use their capabilities to displace men as they communicate that men are not needed for anything permanent or significant.

My own husband was working double-time to build a company and was also serving in the church and taking classes to finish a college degree.  I could see how, if I were to try to lighten his load by providing financially for our family when he was fully capable, my husband could easily get the message that his diligent efforts weren't necessary.  I knew my husband was making genuine sacrifices to build something valuable because he had to support our family -- and it was worth his manly efforts.  If I shouldered his burden it would rob him of the impetus he needed to carry on, and he might even abandon the very burdens he needed to develop his talents and his character.

Because I had no former employer courting my expertise, it might be easy to dismiss my choice to remain home and raise my children as one made by default, by failing to choose Anything Else; the same cannot be said of my friend.  Hers was definitely a conscious choice, and it was sometimes a hard one.  Because she was organized and efficient, her housework was easily completed.  Children did not come easily or in her choice of timing.  She may have been bored or discouraged as she lived daily with her decision, but that decision has had a lasting impact, by any standard used to measure a person's influence for good.

I am thankful for the example of my capable friend, who continues to creatively use her talents to best support her husband -- by giving him the Real Life chance to be the Provider for their family.




Photos from sxc.hu.

A Flood of Blessings

 The Tuesday before Thanksgiving, our basement flooded.  Our two oldest boys (aged 21 and 17) woke at 6 am to ankle-covering water and began bailing, hoping to clean things up and get the fan going before anyone else discovered the mess.

Happily, it was clean water, not sewage!  Sometime after 1:30, when our oldest son had finished his homework and retired, an old hose broke on the basement washing machine.  It would have been a cheap and easy fix, but it caused a big mess.  It also brought obvious blessings and helped us to recognize many more, enhancing our gratitude this Thanksgiving.  We expect to see additional blessings from this experience as time goes on.

The owner of the restoration company is our neighbor, a grandma who has been wrestling with cancer.  Her daughter was diagnosed with cancer, too, within days of our neighbor's diagnosis.  This friend came to our house about the time her crew arrived -- telling us that she had prayed only the night before that they would get some work for their crew.  "I hate to wish anything bad on someone," she apologized, "but they needed the work."  Our home has had great attention, as attested by the noisy hum of dozens of fans and dehumidifiers, going day and night for more than a week.

Over the past seven years we have remodeled most of the house, but the only basement room to get much attention was the boys' bedroom, completed nine months ago.  We had intended to paint, re-carpet, and upgrade the kitchen and bathroom down there, but there were literally tons of storage and books in the basement that we would have to haul up and find places for.  I have lamented my procrastination many times, but now I am thankful that much has been rapidly hauled out -- including the ruined, ugly carpeting that we will likely replace with tile.  And, at least in this case, the procrastination saved us from doing the remodel twice!

We missed a family wedding that morning and, sadly, some things have been ruined.  A cardboard box containing preschool and grade-school artwork was not salvageable.  A library book will have to be replaced.  The two boys attended Church on Sunday in modified attire:  the younger (whose Sunday shoes have disappeared) wore Grandpa's cowboy boots with his suit; the older (whose classy, leather-soled shoes were completely water-logged) looked like a hipster, wearing a sweater over his shirt and tie -- to go with those upscale Chuck T's.  The extent of the damage to some musical instruments (there was an organ down there) and to the furniture has not yet been determined.  Happily, most of our on-the-floor storage was in plastic bins.

We have seen miracles, as a few notable items were spared.  There was a three-square-foot high-spot in the bedroom, next to the exterior wall -- which happened to be where my son's violin and guitar were stored.  The limited-edition print that was still in its cardboard roll had several inches of packing material in the end that touched the floor -- and the painting was completely dry.  On Saturday night (when they should have been in bed) the younger brother decided to assemble the foosball table, which had lain useless on the kitchen floor for months.  The boys played a game or two, leaving the floor cleared; the six-inch metal foot posts held the rest of the table well out of the way of the coming water.  On Monday evening, while in the basement doing a little straightening of furniture, I noticed that the beautiful, inlaid chess board/drawered table base which the younger son had recently crafted was on the floor; I happened to put the chess board in the cabinet under the television, about five inches off the floor -- and it remained undamaged.

There have been other blessings -- less tangible, perhaps, but no less evident.  As my husband and our younger boys hauled literally tons of food from our basement (the plastic buckets had the weight labeled right on them) and stacked them in the carport, they recognized that they work well together -- and they saw that we have made strides to be prepared for other crises:  it gave my husband confidence, he said, to actually see what we have gathered.   Not being afraid is a blessing!  So is the understanding that stuff is, after all, just stuff.

This experience has focused my thoughts about God's promised floods and about the sometimes-inconvenient blessing of abundant water.  We need these blessings, for without His floods, little would grow.  We live in a desert and we pray for water every year!

Are the hundreds of holes which were punched in the walls a blessing?  I believe so.  I need real work for my younger sons, and filling those holes is something they can do to contribute to the economy of our household.

Was the timing a blessing?  Probably so.  We had already made arrangements to attend the wedding and we had the Thanksgiving holiday to be here working or away to escape the noise.  And the Christmas break will allow time to do the work, if we choose.  What other time would we have selected for the inconvenience?  Like most things, if we could we would choose to procrastinate the trial indefinitely!  Statistically, people experience a water loss about every five years, so it appears we have put this problem off for quite a while.  Yes, even the timing was a blessing.

Gratitude is real, not hypothetical.  Like our lives.

This Thanksgiving, I thank God for a real life, with real problems -- and for real opportunities to see His blessings in my life.


All photos courtesy of sxc.hu, with credit to JoofyTheJi.