Planning Parenthood

Last week, my teenaged daughter returned from a babysitting job with some very determined ideas about parenthood.  Through observing the activities of a young child, she had decided that she does not want a television in her house!

It sounds crazy, no?  This teenager loves to read and enjoys being outside, and she wanted to share quality time with the little boy -- but he had no attention for anything other than dubious programming on television.

Later that evening, as she sat with a vintage reader from her childhood, she commented that she wants her children's lives to be like children had 60 years ago.  "They got dressed up for parties and even wore dresses to play in!  They were kind to each other.  And look -- they worked together!"

Whether or not our future looks like the world of the past, the world we create for our children is their reality.

Interestingly enough, she presently had opportunity to look through photos of herself as a child -- and she saw them with new appreciation.  The world of play dresses, parties, and siblings had all but vanished by the time I was a little girl, but Rose saw and remembered that life had been that way for her.  I like to sew and had provided inexpensive but feminine clothing -- and she had loving siblings who worked and played with her in a variety of situations.  Because her own life has parallels with her dream, she has a frame of reference for ways she can create similar experiences for her future children.

Even with its ups and downs, life has been beautiful for her.  For a mother, that is a dream-come-true.

Just This Once?

About twenty years ago, before any of my children were old enough to attend school, I attended a homeschooling convention.  I learned many things there that applied to good parenting, which strengthened my determination to become an engaged mother.  One thing I heard has returned to haunt me, whether I am homeschooling or not -- mostly because I keep having to relearn it!

In speaking to new homeschooling parents, the presenter began by instructing us to make time and then protect it.  "People will expect that, since you are at home, you are available.  You have to think of this time as seriously as you would a full-time job," she said.  "They will say, 'You can do it; it's only once a month,' or 'It's just once a week,' and pretty soon, your time is gone.  Once a, once a, once a...!  And your time is gone!"

Mothering, especially when she has taken on the education of her children, requires a woman's full attention.  I have recently been reminded of how quickly doing a little errand here or there, or chatting on the telephone or shopping online erodes my time with my children.

None of us can do everything, but we can do what we need to to have peace.  I have to consciously schedule in what is most important and let the rest fall into place or drop away.  And that means guarding so the exception to my rule doesn't become the rule!


Photo courtesy of sxc.hu.

Shared Success

A few years ago, a successful neighbor described his thoughts on an article in a prominent national newspaper, which highlighted marital struggles that often happen to successful couples after their children get old enough to leave home.  My neighbor described a scenario, wherein the Wife, who had previously remained at home to manage her household and mother her children, considers that she is now "free" to "take her turn" at work.  The problem is that her boardroom Husband is now financially capable and free to travel and enjoy the benefits of success, but his dutiful Wife is now someone else's employee and is unavailable to him.  This creates the ideal setup for Another Woman -- who wants money advantages and travel opportunities -- to pick up an established Husband.  This scenario has left in its wake an army of hardworking, embittered, late-comer Wives in the workforce; women who, ironically enough, had looked forward to the change in dynamic in the first place.

"What the article didn't mention," my neighbor continued excitedly, "is the dirty secret that having a homemaker wife to raise a family is the factor that gets men into the boardroom in the first place!"  He explained that a man's success in business is a team effort, one that generally requires the motivation and stability of full-time wife to achieve.  The whole scenario would not happen, he believed, if a woman recognized that her husband's arrival at the boardroom, and the attendant freedom to travel and to have money was also the wife's own success, earned through her years of full-time, voluntary work for the family's benefit -- and a woman should feel free to choose to stay unencumbered and enjoy success with him.

I have appreciated my husband's willingness to work hard to provide for our family; his expressions of gratitude and support for me personally as his companion at work in our home have encouraged me and helped me to see value in my ministry.  Hearing our neighbor's perceptions did not change my labor, but it helped me to see my contribution to our family's economy with fresh eyes -- and it reminds me to rejoice in each of my husband's triumphs as our successes; to see his opportunities as blessings for us both.


All photos courtesy of sxc.hu.

Consecrated Marriage

I knew when I married him that my husband was a man who loved Jesus Christ and was willing to serve Him.  That is what I was looking for, after all.  Because he was committed to keeping all of God's commandments, I knew I could trust my husband and support him.

From the start, my husband has been given opportunities to serve in time-consuming callings of responsibility.  We had two preschoolers when he was called to serve as the second counselor to our new bishop.  This meant at least fourteen hours away from home on Sundays, in addition to at least two weeknights out each week, monthly camp-outs and a week-long scouting adventure each year.  His work was nearly an hour away; he owned a fledgling company which required a lot of his attention and brought in money sparingly and sporadically.  He was also taking evening classes to complete a degree, which took whatever spare time he had.  With a miscarriage immediately followed by children twelve months apart, this was not an easy time for me and I confess that, despite his loving efforts, I sometimes felt abandoned.  I know it was difficult for him, too.

I received a flash of revelation one year, as I listened to General Conference.  This came during the Statistical Report, not a usual time for great epiphanies!  As the thousands of wards, branches, districts, stakes, and temples were enumerated, I started to recognize that each of these had four or five families who were impacted the way mine was -- and every few years, people changed callings, so (theoretically) everyone took turns!  I realized that, even though my husband had never sought opportunities to lead in our church community, he -- and I -- had volunteered years before, when we deliberately chose to lead Christ-directed, consecrated lives; if God wouldn't want him, I realized, I wouldn't either.  I had chosen him because he wanted to follow God, and I could not blame God for calling on him -- or on me to willingly offer Him the most precious thing I had or hoped to have:  time with my husband.

This helped alter my attitude to one of genuine rejoicing in each phase of my husband's ministry.  Since that dawning, eighteen years ago, I can honestly say that I have had opportunities to try again and demonstrate that I have truly changed.  I know that my attitudes, whatever my words might be, will profoundly influence each of my children, whether they are sons or daughters; I cannot fake honest appreciation for the blessings of my husband's opportunies to serve.  There have been inconveniences, for sure (nobody plans their suicide with the bishop's dinner schedule in mind), but the blessings of marriage to a godly man far outweigh any possible downsides.

All photos courtesy of sxc.hu.

Metamorphosis Into Mother

I recently met a young mother, in the last weeks of pregnancy with her third child.  It had been an act of faith to invite this baby; the difficult emotional challenges she had faced with her first two had caused her to question her decision to marry and stay home with her previous children.  She had worried that these difficulties had been caused by marrying too young, or by otherwise being unprepared for motherhood; her marriage had suffered as she had struggled.  She happily reported that she was eagerly anticipating the birth of her third child and wished that she had experienced similarly joyful emotions with the births of her two older sons.

The details of this woman's story may be unique, but the experience is common to many.  The pain experienced as we make the transition into motherhood cannot fully be explained away by hormones, since women who adopt experience many of the same challenges.  I have observed women who returned to work shortly after giving birth express disgust with the "wimpiness" of their sisters or neighbors who have chosen to remain at home with children; when it became "financially wise" to stay home with their own children, they were unprepared for the struggles inherent in the experience.   I have seen women from many walks of life seek a variety of ways to escape the pain that they do not understand or try to explain away with blame for others, their choices, or for the teachings of parents or religious leaders -- and I have seen the miracle of transformation in the lives of those who have chosen to faithfully embrace this opportunity to develop their unique, feminine gifts to become mothers in the most true and beautiful sense of the word.

Before she ever bore children, Adam identified Eve with a title that expressed her Motherhood.  This fact, along with observation of numerous women through the decades of my life, indicates to me that motherhood is not automatically equated with maternity, though the loving nurturing of children may be the most common route to achieve it.

Like the transformative metamorphosis which creates a butterfly, Motherhood requires effort and it is not always comfortable.  We would naturally expect discomfort for the caterpillar in its cocoon; becoming all that motherhood requires is an even greater change.  We are best able to become as we understand, accept, and embrace all that such a metamorphosis requires, without reeling as if we are undergoing cruel and unusual punishment.



All photos courtesy of sxc.hu.

Math Over Mother?

This spring, our two younger daughters participated in a seminar in science and math, geared to girls.  Before we left for our hour-long drive to the host college, my husband gently warned them to watch for even subtle messages discouraging them from motherhood, in favor of a technology-based career.  We set out, fresh and enthusiastic; they were hopeful that the classes they had selected would be all they had anticipated.  I also spent the day in town, doing handwork and reading in a quiet place. 

When we met after their activity, the girls seemed eager to escape the campus.  Even before the car door closed, the first thing they wanted to talk about was the overt, anti-motherhood message.  "I was shocked," the older one blurted out, "I had expected that they would at least mask it a little!  But the very first thing they did was have us all listen to some lady tell us that her job is the most fulfilling part of her life and that her husband and children just have to understand that they are her second priority!"

The fact that the keynote speaker was not very eloquent had not enhanced her agenda with my daughters, who saw her address as too cliche to be taken seriously.  But there were likely many who still believe the lie that girls are routinely denied access to education and jobs in math and science -- and who want to believe that they will find greater satisfaction in the work-force than may be found in creating a home.  The reality is that there are many opportunities for girls who have even moderate interest in these fields, but that the most noble and fulfilling of all professions for a woman is that of a wife and mother. 

Don't misunderstand:  this is not an attack on education in general or math in particular.   We encourage our daughters (as well as our sons) to pursue their educational interests:  in addition to the educational accomplishments of our very bright sons, our oldest daughter is starting her third year of college as a math major and our second girl has been very successful in the biological sciences in high school.  Each child -- whether son or daughter -- needs to consider the impact of his decisions on his future family and choose carefully; our oldest daughter decided to go into math in an effort to bless the lives of her future children and our oldest son has abandoned his youthful dreams of a military career (or as a cowboy, riding the range,) because of the negative impact it would likely have on his future family.

Come to think of it, what is the value of math, anyway?  Contrary to the silly or thoughtless answers we sometimes give our children ("You have to do this so you'll know how to help your children when they have questions with their homework!"), math is a shorthand that helps strip away the extraneous details of our problems to exercise the logical, problem-solving part of our brains. 

In addition to the practical needs we each have for arithmetic, measuring, and estimation; math skills help us think clearly, to wade through deceit and come to decisions based on absolutes (or at least solutions effectively based on the Givens).  We all need the skills math can hone, whether our current issue is political, social, or physical -- perhaps especially mothers.  Math and motherhood should not be an "either/or" proposition:  it's not, if we put our families first.

Build a Little Birdhouse in Our Yard

With the help of his Dad, our young son constructed an aviary in the backyard.  This took a lot of research and preparation -- and several trips to the hardware store!  Yesterday evening, he raided the nest of our resident magpies, bringing down four young birds.

Frankly, despite all the advance preparation, I did not expect that he would actually be able to do it.  I made the hardware trips to be supportive, thinking (hoping?) something would go awry; I am not a pet person, for I believe animals are much more satisfied and successful when they are allowed to care for themselves.  These birds smell awful and they are always hungry.  He loves them.

Whether these helpless creatures live or not, this has already been a revolutionary experience for our son.  He is learning compassion, as he must nurture these nestlings:  they will die if he doesn't.  His sleeping patterns (and location) have been willingly changed; his thoughts go out to what (and when) they will next eat and whether they are warm enough; his awareness of sanitation has been dramatically altered!  He is learning to recognize their nonverbal communication patterns and experiencing the empathy motherhood entails, the more remarkable because his Autistic tendencies make such awareness a challenge in interpersonal situations.

I was moved this morning by one of his concerns:  magpies are clever creatures and can learn to respond to particular behaviors and verbal cues; they can even learn to mimic sounds.  He wondered what he ought to say to these babies when he comes to feed them, so they will learn to trust and expect good things from him -- and it needs to be something appropriate for them to learn to say.  Such concerns echo the worries of a conscientious mother for the development of her children beyond their physical needs.

From specialists who intervene with at-risk children, I have heard of women who do not speak to their children, using the rationale that "they never speak to me!"  He laughed at the silliness of such a thing, asking, "Where are they supposed to learn to talk?"  He already recognizes how essential it is for him to be a good model for his little ones.

He hopes these birds will learn to recognize him as their parent and that, as adults, they will return to him.  I hope he will become a good parent -- now and later.